That Ripple Effect

The topic of the last few weeks is HEARTBREAK. Its been invading friends and family from all fronts, and no matter how fortified their hearts, this little bastard has a way of surprising you like no other.

The big one.

My little sister lost her best friend and the love of her life about 2 weeks ago. Being present and witnessing the entirety of this experience made me feel as though I haven't truly loved anyone or anything so deeply. It was an amazing unselfish and requited love that I wouldn't have had the capacity to have understood before. Watching my little sister struggle to make decisions, let go of her loved one, be compassionate and selfless, yet express the depth of her love and emotion, as well as her pain and sadness--it entirely changed my understanding of love. It made me realize so many things about how I want to love and be loved by others. Watching her say her goodbyes and coping with the finality of the situation changed my life. My heart was broken in this moment as was everyone else's and it hasn't stopped breaking. Despite the pain, sadness, and loss it was one of the most beautiful moments in time I've ever known. Whenever I think of love, I come back to this as an understanding of what it was really meant to be. Its hard to put into words. We will always care for and miss our fallen friend, and I will always be grateful for what she gave to my little sister and in turn, to the rest of us.

It makes me hyper aware of how risky it is to let yourself love--with love and loss being so tightly bound.

Sometimes I let myself feel my friend's and family's heart break. Really feel it. Crawling into their depths of despair and sadness and just sitting with them while they're consumed by these intense feelings. Its probably not my healthiest habit--empathy to the extreme. Sometimes I hate the people that my loved ones can't bring themselves to hate..sometimes I'll forgive for them. Sometimes the feelings or experiences are so big that one person can't feel it all, deal with it, or carry it alone. Sometimes we help share each other's loads.

So many friends are struggling with something that is breaking their heart right now. I guess I'm struggling with breaking my own heart too.

I've made a choice that I know is going to break it over and over again.

The first time I realized that this was for real, was about something completely silly--Ru Paul's Drag Race. I am going to miss it. Well, obviously I'm going to miss everything in pop-culture for the next two years. But this is special, something that I shared with my best friend..something that I have amazing and silly memories from. This was my first jolt back to reality.

I am leaving, for real leaving. This was my choice and I'm doing it to myself. No complaining.

The real first heartbreak came when I said goodbye to my best friend. Towards the end of her visit I realized that this would be last time I'd see her for years. I can't express in words how deeply I love her or what she means to me, I can only say that it felt like the loss of a limb. (I'd only ever felt that before when my boyfriend of 4 years and I ended our relationship.) I may have cried the rest of the night as she drove home. Next came my goodbyes with Trish. Same story, tears, broken heart...
I can't even imagine what it will be like saying goodbye to my family.

I can't imagine what it will be like seeing a world where HIV and AIDS runs rampant and death is a constant.
I can't imagine dealing with the conflicting identity of being an American.
I can't imagine how selfish and gluttonous I'll feel surrounded by those who have so little (material possessions) in comparison.
I can't imagine finding friends, camaraderie, and love in a world so different than my own.
I can't imagine coming to terms with my life and opportunities versus those in the Global South.
I can't imagine being so far away from family and friends.
I can't imagine the loneliness and isolation.

I can't imagine how many times my heart will break and how many times it will be built up again.

Sometimes I can't believe I'm willing letting myself knowingly break my own heart time and time again. But then, I want to love people the same way my little sister showed me. I want to embrace the heartbreak, and see it as something beautiful.