I had dreamt that my ex-boyfriend and I were spending lots of time with each other and considering getting back together. While in some rational corridor of my mind I knew it was a terrible idea after, well everything, mostly, I felt incredibly happy to be around him again. When I realized it had been a dream, I mourned pretty severely (in a second and much more painful dream.)
With this guy, it had never been a rational thing for me, it had always been a, "I'm head over heels in love with him, despite everything." I woke up feeling crazy emotionally distraught, but with no clear understanding or emotional intelligence about the situation.
I don't want to be in that relationship again, (or any serious relationship) and for a long time it was only a painful experience that turned me into someone I wasn't proud to be. (Which is not commentary on him, he's a wonderful human being.) It's 5 months that we've been apart, I don't actually want the scenario in my dream, I have felt really happy and healthy lately, I thought I'd healed and moved on, and frankly he's not someone I even think about often--so why did I wake up as such an emotional wreck?
The way I've dealt with this break-up has primarily been my subconscious slapping me in the face. Translation: I dealt with my more devastating break-downs and my deepest pits of sadness while asleep. This is not my norm, in fact, this has never happened to me before.
Here's one of my worst qualities as a human being.. I feel incapable of dealing with things. And while this is not actively true as I have lots of faith in myself and survival capabilities, I feel incapable of dealing with things that tend to shake me to the emotional core. Was I born unequipped or something? I'm..not going to fully get into it, but here is the gist:
My grandmother was dying in the hospital. I tapped out of the situation and wouldn't go see her.
My grandfather was dying in the hospital. I tapped out, didn't call and talk to him while I still had the chance, didn't say goodbye, and didn't go see him.
My mentor and professor in college was diagnosed with cancer. I completely withdrew and effectively our relationship ceased to exist.
These decisions haunt me.
My inability to deal with these situations in the moment and afterward left me feeling numb and broken. Actually, it was more than that. After my grandmother died I sank into a deep depression that took years to lift.
My inability to deal with these situations in the moment and afterward left me feeling numb and broken. Actually, it was more than that. After my grandmother died I sank into a deep depression that took years to lift.
I used to be self-destructive and go to dark places when I couldn't find the normal and appropriate human responses to situations like these, but I'm in a much better place these days and try hard not to let myself slip into old patterns. So then, the question remains. Why over the past few months, and oddly, the other morning, has my mind shut off feelings about my ex and our breakup during the day, but forces intense dreams about both in my sleep?
I'm mourning the loss of a great love that we shared, forcing myself to accept an ending, and the loss of one of the most significant people in my my life, especially within the last three years. It was traumatic and significant and worth being aware of. Honestly, I've met a friend who has helped me turn my world around and who's helped me heal. Thinking of my ex and my previous relationship hasn't been on my radar for months. I guess I need to remind myself not to entirely forget and shut this out.
We haven't spoken since the days after we ended things, other than a post on my Facebook wishing me a Happy Birthday, (which seems so silly, and trivial, and hollow if you really think about what we once shared and what wedontshareatall now.) I've always been friends with my boyfriends pre and post break ups and its really hard to not be able to have a friendship with this ex.
I'm mourning the loss of a great love that we shared, forcing myself to accept an ending, and the loss of one of the most significant people in my my life, especially within the last three years. It was traumatic and significant and worth being aware of. Honestly, I've met a friend who has helped me turn my world around and who's helped me heal. Thinking of my ex and my previous relationship hasn't been on my radar for months. I guess I need to remind myself not to entirely forget and shut this out.
We haven't spoken since the days after we ended things, other than a post on my Facebook wishing me a Happy Birthday, (which seems so silly, and trivial, and hollow if you really think about what we once shared and what we
Hysterically, mid-break-up I made him promise that we'd see each other again one day. Sometimes I wonder if that will ever be a reality.
Ugh. The point is, I need to learn to sit through the fire when dealing with things rather than blocking them out or going numb. Feel the emotions, feel the pain. Only once I fully experience the range and depth of emotions that I need to feel can I actually understand, grow, gain perspective, move on, start to heal--whatever.
But Goddamn.
How about no more dreams about the ex? Okay subconscious? Pretty Please?
Ugh. The point is, I need to learn to sit through the fire when dealing with things rather than blocking them out or going numb. Feel the emotions, feel the pain. Only once I fully experience the range and depth of emotions that I need to feel can I actually understand, grow, gain perspective, move on, start to heal--whatever.
But Goddamn.
How about no more dreams about the ex? Okay subconscious? Pretty Please?
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