The life I planned when I was eight hasn't exactly panned out the way I'd envisioned.
Next week I'll be 27, unmarried (and with absolutely no prospects on the horizon,) no children, no career or real career history, no drivers license, and unsure of my next step. Still getting acquainted with myself and this crazy thing we call life.
Please gentlemen, contain yourselves.
Then there are these absolute truths:
You can't control life or, anything
It's about the ride not the destination
Good intention paves the road to hell
Blah blah blah...
Moral of the story is the same as it ever was, yeah?
Live a good life, be intentional/mindful, work towards living your dreams, and react at all times with love.
I'm working on these, especially the second and last part.. But how disappointing is it when we have seemingly the perfect plan that all turns to shit?
Peace Corps was never something I would have seriously considered even just a few years ago-- just as now, I realize that children and parenthood aren't a real option for me. The one thing I'd never doubted, never considered was living a life without was "that person."
Peace Corps has been a lot of things for me. I've been broken down to my very foundation and learned to build myself up again. It's been a practice in patience and love and really working towards understanding--it's stripped me of my overwhelming anxiety and fear. It's helped me get past a heartbreak and it's given me like-minded friends, advocates, activists, and people who challenge me into my finest state of becoming while also supporting me at the same time. Perhaps most unexpectedly, it's given me a respite from my history of serial monogamy.
The people I've loved, or nearly loved have shaped and taught me everything-- except to fully realize and appreciate the beautiful singularity that is me. I can be radically happy and in love with life without experiencing romantic love. Maybe even more so.
It's not that I've been afraid to be alone or that I haven't seen myself as a strong independent woman. It's just always been so easy for me to really, fully see you-- know you, and inevitably fall in love with you, and, you know, swoon.
This is the first time in my life I'm really considering what it means to go it alone, and it's appealing.
Being alone generally isn't a lonely thing for me. It's more like a spiritual revival.
Of course I'm not writing anything off, and of course I'd love to find someone who challenges me, and fits me spiritually, physically, emotionally, and encourages my passions. I'm just not sure I'd have to sleep with this person to feel fulfilled. Though, seems like a bonus.
I know most people come to this thought process when they're 16 and afraid they won't find a prom date, "maybe I'll end up alone." But it's honestly never something I considered before, especially in a positive light.
It feels like a revelation.
