Pleasure Rights

I've been reading a lot about female sexuality lately and have, of course, come across the oldies but goodies: an expectation of purity in turn creating a Madonna whore dichotomy, women's sexuality being defined in contrast to male counterparts, value placed on numbers of partners, bodies, heteronormativity, skin color, or levels of kink, the consequences of porn in shaping healthy sexual encounters, religion, abstinence education, contraception, and of course countless pieces about slut shaming, STIs, abuse, harassment, rape, abortion shamings, and really, any other type of shamings possible--tale as old as time. Within this context, (this context being, ya know, life) women just aren't allowed to be sexual beings. And, if a woman doesn't have any conflicting feelings or guilt about her sexuality, there is always someone available, sprinting to her rescue, preaching the linkage of immorality and sexuality--or helping in some way to create a lower self-worth than previously realized.

What I've found fascinating in my recent readings, is the revolutionary idea that women have a right to pleasure. I realize it's 2015 and this should not be revolutionary--but what struck me is the phrasing. The RIGHT to pleasure. Isn't that delightful and kind of strange? Is pleasure really a right--if so, is it kind of privileged? Are we implying that inherently men have had this right and women don't?

Women having and realizing pleasure as a right is the dream, but it is also, of course, taboo. Not when I say it as a stand alone statement or we rationalize it by saying things like, "Sex should obviously be pleasurable for women as well as men." Or "Come on, we all know women have sex-and they enjoy it. Exhibit A." After which an issue of Cosmo is thrown in your face, this week's headline, something like, "Orgasm Central." 

No, it's taboo when we broach topics of female masturbation, female orgasms, feminist pornography, or young women choosing to have sex, picking contraceptives, or exploring sexuality. It's taboo because we have built-in value statements about what is expected of women versus men. In Malawi, its taken even further. It's taboo to ask if a young girl has a boyfriend because that suggests that she's sleeping with him. It's taboo to say the name of reproductive body parts, they're on the same level as curse words.  It's taboo to talk about sex at all, but especially as a woman. What's funniest to me is that while all these things remain true, people cannot wrap their minds around me, a 27 year old gal (spinster by Malawian standards) without a husband or boyfriend in Malawi, rockin' it solo. Especially if I tell them I have no plans for marriage or children, people just cannot compute, and often end up saying things like, "ah, just have one child." Just one. No biggie.

Recently, in one of my more inappropriate hitches, I was asked how I have sex without any dudes in my Malawi life. (And also I may have lied saying that men couldn't come to my house because Peace Corps said so.) Let's just say, minds were blown when I explained that ladies too, can masturbate. And yeah, more of my sex ed teaching occurs in cars with grown men than I'd like to admit--but as soon as I realize my fellow passengers don't actually know how HIV is spread, or the mechanics of pregnancy--I can't help but explain all of it. ALL of it. No storks included. And while it can be initially uncomfortable to talk about these issues, knowing the culture that I'm operating within, that I'm a white woman and especially when I'm talking  with grown men, it always facilitates incredibly needed and valuable discussion. It kills me when I realize how little is known in Malawi, or how much of the information I come across is actually accurate; it especially kills me to see what is being taught in schools via life skills classes. If it kills me, you may ask--what am I doing about it?

Other than disclosing more about my personal sex life than I'd ever expected to complete strangers--sexual and reproductive health education has become a main focus of my work. Having girls groups, doing the pad project, condom demonstrations, facilitating Camp GLOW (girls leading our world,) working with my youth group--and finding ways to be available for private questions and conversations or adding elements of education to any Peace Corps intervention I have--that's how.

I'm not gonna get into the specifics for fear that the Peace Corps Gods will smite  me, but Camp GLOW got in a bit of hot water for being a little too sexy this year. And by that, I mean that we have a strong focus on things like, sexual and reproductive health, gender based violence, menstruation and pregnancy, safe sexual choices, etc. We create an intentional safe space where the girls can get as much information about any of these topics or get answers to any questions regarding these topics as they may need. 

Imagine for a moment growing up in a culture almost completely devoid of any conversation about sexuality. Where what you're learning in school is abstinence, and what you're learning from your community is either roundabout or close to nonexistent about sex in general. Some girls have initiation ceremonies where they're taught how to have sex in ways that are pleasing to men. Imagine being told that if you, as a woman carry a condom, that means you'll likely be seen as a prostitute. If you insist on condom usage during sex that could mean you don't trust your partner or that you yourself have an STI and are untrustworthy. Imagine being told that if you use birth control you will become barren (in a culture that highly values children) or that if you have an abortion you will get cancer. Imagine not knowing that female masturbation exists let alone knowing that sex can also be pleasurable for women. Imagine not realizing that your period is linked to your ability to become pregnant, or that having sex on your period can still get you pregnant--using a bag isn't the same as using a condom.. Or that anal sex is like... A thing. Imagine living in a culture where your mother, teacher, best friend reinforce all of these culture myths ("a man can tell when you're menstruating by touching your hand!") or shames you for having sexual desires. 

The space and camaraderie created at GLOW is unique to the girls here in Malawi. Maybe it's the only time and place girls get the chance to really dig in deep and ask questions about any of these topics, disclose past or current traumas, talk about fears and anxieties, get factual answers removed from cultural bias, create and operate within a safe space where there is no shaming or judgement--maybe they're lucky and they have other outlets for these needs. Either way, for many girls this opportunity is a beacon of light. This is not at all an attempt to toot my own horn for being involved with the camp, it's an unhappy reality that I try to mitigate in my every day work.

And so, coming back to the idea of pleasure as a right almost seems silly when I think of all of hurdles we're working to overcome simply with sexual education here in Malawi. When really, it should be a revolution.. If a holistic idea of sex wasn't so taboo and words like "vulva," "vagina," and "clitoris" could be said loudly and proudly instead of muttered shyly while  avoiding eye contact with me as I'm teaching a reproductive health session--or if we could, without fear or hesitation teach, about masturbation as an option during a healthy sexual choice session, especially if we're pushing abstinence only; I truly believe we could both begin to empower women dramatically and drastically change the landscape of sexual health and behavior in Malawi. 

But first we'd have to admit that women are sexual, and have the right to pleasure. I know, I know. Too far fetched.

All you need is love

While I tend to find skits at trainings and orientations worthless and essentially, the worst, our last Peace Corps training forced us to group up and perform strategies for resiliency. Most were pretty spot on with our experiences--but the one I was part of resonated a little deeper with something that we all have struggled with from time to time. It reflected the way we interact with Malawians--approaching situations out of a place of stress, frustration, assumption, and negative experience, rather than with thoughtfulness, intentionality, and loving kindness.

I've realized something recently. My whole service is defined by love, and I've received it in abundance. Sometimes overwhelmingly, in ways that make me feel shame and guilt as if I'm inadequately built for reciprocation. But more that anything, I'm reminded that far too often, I respond in difficult situations with frustration, anger, or impatience. I'm not who or where I want to be in those moments and I think it's because I tend to forget to look at a person in his entirety. Instead, I focus on the situation, make myself a victim, and prepare to fire back in a sassy manner which makes myself feel slightly vindicated, and leaves the other person feeling slightly stupid. (I imagine.) All I'm doing here is perpetuating harm.

Its wrong, it's harmful. It's when we lose sight of each other's humanity that problems arise--it's when I start to think of Malawians as one dimensional, incapable or when Malawians see me as a walking ATM or an object that we all play a role in that harm. Yes, a big part of my role as a Peace Corps volunteer is to be a catalyst for change-to empower people to break down their own barriers to achievement. But one of our other main goals is to create cross cultural understanding, relationships, and spread a bit of that infinite love. 

This is why I don't shy away from those difficult conversations, why I don't hide my taboos, and especially why I don't lie about my marital status, my religious and spiritual beliefs, and why I will talk about the negative and positive aspects of America, and my culture. Yes, it's so much easier to lie here, to cop out, and have tame waters for smooth sailing.. But then, what's the point? If I'm here pretending to be another version of myself I'm living an inauthentic life and I'm giving false ideas to those in my community. Honestly, I feel like that's perpetuating the same amount of harm.

Instead, I am just trying. Trying to respond well and trying to remember that the iwes I'm frustrated with aren't bad--they're craving love and attention. I'm certain many of the kids in my village have never before been hugged or encouraged. These kids have become a huge part of my service and have redefined the way I interact with the world, let alone my community. I'm trying to not feel a flash of anger when yelled at in every trading center and asked for sex, for money, to give literal clothes and possessions from my back, etc. Instead, to remember that what people here know about me and my life is all assumption based on movies and media. And that facilitating the learning process is my responsibility--otherwise I'll be burned by my own anger, while nothing changes. I'm trying to remember the incredible amounts of love and kindness I receive from everyone I encounter. How they've helped me make Malawi my home, welcomed me, fed me, taught me, housed me, befriended me, and tried to understand me. I've never known such a deep, unselfish, kind of love as I've been given in Malawi.

Ultimately, like everything in Malawi, it come down to choice. Choosing how to react and respond, choosing to have a positive attitude, choosing to spread love--even when it's the furthest thing from what I'm experiencing internally. And so, imma keep trying.