That tricky subconscious

A few days ago I woke up from a gut-wrenching Inception-like dream.

I had dreamt that my ex-boyfriend and I were spending lots of time with each other and considering getting back together. While in some rational corridor of my mind I knew it was a terrible idea after, well everything, mostly, I felt incredibly happy to be around him again. When I realized it had been a dream, I mourned pretty severely (in a second and much more painful dream.)

With this guy, it had never been a rational thing for me, it had always been a, "I'm head over heels in love with him, despite everything." I woke up feeling crazy emotionally distraught, but with no clear understanding or emotional intelligence about the situation. 

I don't want to be in that relationship again, (or any serious relationship) and for a long time it was only a painful experience that turned me into someone I wasn't proud to be.  (Which is not commentary on him, he's a wonderful human being.) It's 5 months that we've been apart, I don't actually want the scenario in my dream, I have felt really happy and healthy lately, I thought I'd healed and moved on, and frankly he's not someone I even think about often--so why did I wake up as such an emotional wreck?

The way I've dealt with this break-up has primarily been my subconscious slapping me in the face. Translation: I dealt with my more devastating break-downs and my deepest pits of sadness while asleep. This is not my norm, in fact, this has never happened to me before.

Here's one of my worst qualities as a human being.. I feel incapable of dealing with things. And while this is not actively true as I have lots of faith in myself and survival capabilities, I feel incapable of dealing with things that tend to shake me to the emotional core. Was I born unequipped or something? I'm..not going to fully get into it, but here is the gist:

My grandmother was dying in the hospital. I tapped out of the situation and wouldn't go see her.

My grandfather was dying in the hospital. I tapped out, didn't call and talk to him while I still had the chance, didn't say goodbye, and didn't go see him.

My mentor and professor in college was diagnosed with cancer. I completely withdrew and effectively our relationship ceased to exist.

These decisions haunt me.

My inability to deal with these situations in the moment and afterward left me feeling numb and broken. Actually, it was more than that. After my grandmother died I sank into a deep depression that took years to lift.

I used to be self-destructive and go to dark places when I couldn't find the normal and appropriate human responses to situations like these, but I'm in a much better place these days and try hard not to let myself slip into old patterns. So then, the question remains. Why over the past few months, and oddly, the other morning, has my mind shut off feelings about my ex and our breakup during the day, but forces intense dreams about both in my sleep?

I'm mourning the loss of a great love that we shared, forcing myself to accept an ending, and the loss of one of the most significant people in my my life, especially within the last three years. It was traumatic and significant and worth being aware of. Honestly, I've met a friend who has helped me turn my world around and who's helped me heal. Thinking of my ex and my previous relationship hasn't been on my radar for months. I guess I need to remind myself not to entirely forget and shut this out.

We haven't spoken since the days after we ended things, other than a post on my Facebook wishing me a Happy Birthday, (which seems so silly, and trivial, and hollow if you really think about what we once shared and what we dontshareatall now.)  I've always been friends with my boyfriends pre and post break ups and its really hard to not be able to have a friendship with this ex.

Hysterically, mid-break-up I made him promise that we'd see each other again one day. Sometimes I wonder if that will ever be a reality.

Ugh. The point is, I need to learn to sit through the fire when dealing with things rather than blocking them out or going numb. Feel the emotions, feel the pain. Only once I fully experience the range and depth of emotions that I need to feel can I actually understand, grow, gain perspective, move on, start to heal--whatever.

But Goddamn.

How about no more dreams about the ex? Okay subconscious? Pretty Please?

My riveting shampoo update.

The baking soda vinegar rinse worked! Hooray!

I try not to wash daily--unless needed. (Its just wasteful, come on.) I washed my hair with the BS&V mixture and the next day it felt great and looked clean and shiny. The following night I didn't wash it and towards the end of the second day my bangs started looking a little greasy again.

Wah-wah.

Maybe I can use a dry shampoo in between washes and keep my hair looking fresh? Lets try that experiment tomorrow morning!

Here are some awesome suggestions I've gotten on social media from other friends who prefer natural methods of scrubbage. I was really impressed. Thus far, I can only vouch for my method but I'm excited to check out the others, especially the: cocoa powder dry shampoo, coconut oil antiperspirant, and the honey sugar facial scrub!


Natural hair care:

• "I've seen great tutorials for the "shampfree"/"no-poo" vinegar method on the website howtohairgirl.com"

• "I use a homemade dry shampoo to absorb excess oil in between washings. It's a mix of cornstarch, cocoa powder (mostly so the powder looks closer to my hair color, but the chocolate smell is a bonus!) and a few drops of essential oil (I use tea tree). I keep it in a little jar and apply it with an old makeup brush (the big ones for loose powder are good). Let it sit for a minute or so then comb it out. It's amazing how well it works--plus it adds a little texture to fine hair, so styling/volumizing is easier!"

• "I've tried and had mixed results and feelings. These days I'm using a tea tree shampoo from Trader Joe's that I like pretty well... The main thing that has improved my hair recently is changing my washing frequency from every 2 days to every 3. My hair never looks greasy! Good luck."

• "Oh, argan oil is awesome for all hair types. I use it all the time- it's expensive, but it lasts a while."

• "I've used baking soda as a dry shampoo and it was awesome until I would take a real shower and then it would burn the hell out of my eyes"

• "I use Nature's Gate shampoo. It's a good natural shampoo. It lathers really well for a shampoo with no sulfates."

• "I've done an apple cider vinegar rinse to balance out the ph in my hair. I've found that the smell is gone once your hair is dry."

• I just started using baking soda and vinegar a few days ago! I asked someone to smell my hair and they said it vaguely smelled like vinegar but wouldn't have noticed if i hadn't told them what it was. Also, it sort of looks greasy, but my hair is short and uneven and crazy right now, so, i don't know, it doesn't bother me."

• "I know folks who have done it - your hair can get a bit greasy for the first few weeks, but then it tends to get better."

• "I've done just vinegar. It dried out the tips of my hair and the roots were still a little greasy. So, I started to wash it with Burts Bees shampoo then do the vinegar afterward. Never used baking soda though."

Natural antiperspirant:

• "Coconut oil + baking soda = magic. After a shower simply rub a little bit of coconut oil into your armpits, then pat on just a little bit of baking soda. It works SO WELL. Sometimes the baking soda starts to itch or irritate (not often, but especially if you shave daily)  BUT REALLY you have to try it. Everyone who has tried it has the same results: MAGIC.
• Also, you can blend coconut oil, baking soda, arrowroot powder and an essential oil of your choice and make it into a stick, but I have yet to do that because the simple recipe above works so well!"

Natural facial scrub:

• "Acv toner. Also, for a facial scrub I also use honey, but mine has crystalized over time, so I don't even have to use sugar or salt. It's quite abrasive. And delicious."

• "The honey and sugar facial scrub- works really well as an abrasive and tastes good too! I just keep mine in the shower so it's not quite as messy. Also, you could adjust the type and amount of sugar...raw sugar would obviously be more abrasive than others..."

• "My all time favorite facial scrub is making a mixture of honey and sugar (or salt). I only do it once a week or so right before I get in the shower. Otherwise, it's kind of a mess to get off."

Welp, more details to come on my natural hair cleaning adventures after I try out some dry shampoos on my greasy locks in the morning. I hope this was helpful or at least interesting to anyone out there wanting to give up on traditional shampoo and conditioner! 

Bye bye shampoo?

I've been  getting into the earthy-crunchy natural lifestyle since living in Baltimore where I learned how to cook, upped my vegetarian game to veganism, learned how to make my own hand soap, and suffered through some pretty terrible natural homemade detergent and household cleaning products. Since my time there, I've kept my passion for learning more about our impact on the world and trying to be more compassionately and environmentally conscientious.

I've been wanting to give up shampoo and conditioner entirely for a few years now, basically as soon as I learned that after a few weeks/ months of greasy transition, your hair bounces back and doesn't require either anymore.

Why, you ask?

There are lots of harsh chemicals and substances in shampoo. My hair and scalp has always reacted really poorly to most products. After using a product so many times it starts to make my hair greasy immediately after washing, no matter how fancy or acclaimed. We strip away all the good oils and natural junk in our hair with shampoo and then try and put it back with conditioner and end up adding a lot of additives that we don't want, that end up hurting our hair. Healthier and more beautiful hair (as advertised.) Lessening my environmental impact. Not needing to find and buy products in Africa. Lastly, my hair has recently gone through a dramatic change and has become much harder to balance product use, keep healthy, moisturized, clean, and reacts worse to shampoos and conditioners after a few washes, than ever before. Lots of reasons.

My goal is to not use anything in my hair but water. I've met two people who are bad asses wash this way, both with great hair that looks and smells clean.

The reality of the situation is that I hate greasy hair MORE THAN ANYTHING. Okay, that's a tad melodramatic, but I hate it very much. It makes me itchy, break out, feel unclean and unattractive, and just uncomfortable in general. I don't think I can go through weeks of not washing my severely greasy hair to reach my intended outcome. Instead, I'm going to try the natural method that I've heard and read lots about. (Then hopefully ween off of this combination to shampoo free city!)

(diluted) Baking soda wash, (diluted) apple vinegar rinse.

I tired tonight for the first time and I'm not sure I got it quite right..

The "baking soda paste" was more of a water mix of grit that felt like salt water in my hair. It was strange not to be able to lather, and fully work it in. After rinsing the roots of my hair felt like gummy and I didn't think I'd ever be able to untangle them.

I used a white vinegar and water mix instead of apple cider vinegar (while praying to the vinegar gods that this won't make my hair fall out.) I ended pouring most of this on my face instead of my hair, which wasn't entirely pleasant or the desired outcome. After rinsing, I wasn't sure it was going to do much to detangle the beastly tangles I've come to know and love.

To be fair, I don't think I let the formulas sit long enough, I used bowls instead of squeeze bottles, and the wrong type of vinegar, so frankly, this could be a shit show.

I'm excited to see what my hair looks and smells like tomorrow morning when I wake up and its dry. Most people who use this method say that their hair is a little greasy to start with, but that the baking soda eventually does wonders.

I know you're on the edge of your seat with anticipation.. but alas, the story will pick up again tomorrow!

Wish me luck in my natural adventures!

2013 a year in review

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-11852/25-questions-to-ask-yourself-before-the-end-of-the-year.html

(For some reason my hyperlinks seem not to be working on Blogger.. This is a problem I'll have to eventually go back and try to fix.)

Anyway, this.

I'm hoping to answer these questions only about a month late and reflect on my life in 2013.

25 Questions to Ask Yourself Before the End of 2013

1. What am I most proud of this year?

Moving to Atlanta to both be closer to someone who I loved very much and work in an awesome  organization were incredibly exciting prospects to me, but extremely hard in reality.

I struggled being away from the community and support net I spent all of last year building. It was painful to be so far away from all of my family and friends. A sense of community didn't come easily in my new intentional community in the Hosea house--we didn't click and often had tension. The city was hard and expensive to navigate. My house was broken into twice. I felt unsafe. My boyfriend really hated that I was having a hard time making Atlanta home and resented my attitude about life in the south. Especially because he loved the city so much.

I felt very alone and spent a few months feeling very depressed. (Go home after work and go straight to bed until work the next morning kind of depressed.) It was hard to talk to my friends from home. I didn't want to keep going on about being sad, and I didn't want them to think of me as a failure.

Anyway, it was hard for a long time but I got out of my slump and decided it wasn't worth being sad and not experiencing life. I decided to embrace Atlanta and my life there for what it was, instead of what I wanted it to be. I decided to forgive myself for maybe making the wrong choice and moving to Atl (though now I know it was the right choice, just a hard one.) I embraced the people in my life and made some incredible relationships with some people who I deeply love. I made myself slowly fall in love with the city. I built an amazing community at work.

I'm most proud of myself for finding the ability to be strong in a time when I was at my weakest (or most pathetic.) I feel like getting through that will help me get through my time in Peace Corps, especially when I'm feeling lonely and like I've made the wrong choice.

2. How can I become a better _____________?

Human being. God. There are so many ways. I want to be a better support to my mom. I want to better live out my values. I want to go back to an intentional lifestyle. I want to read more books. I want to actively make change and be an activist. I want to better support local businesses and community. I want to eat ethically. I want to be more physically active (damn cold weather). I want to have a job that enables me to financially support myself and help others. I want to get a drivers license. I want to show others how much I love them.

3. Where am I feeling stuck?

I'm not living the life I want to be living. I'm living at home with my mom, without a real job, car, etc. waiting for Peace Corps. I'm not living out my values. All of this feels pretty bad when I left myself dwell on it. I'm relying on other people kindnesses without being able to reciprocate.

4. Where do I need to allow myself grace?

I need to be okay with my time of transition.

5. Am I passionate about my career?

Hahaha. No. I've recently come to some cynical realizations about the nonprofit world, had been working as a volunteer, and am now working for my dad until I leave for Malawi. But I've tried to make strategic moves for my future career with my time and positions in LVC, we'll see if they play out in the future.

6. What lessons have I learned?

Love really isn't enough.
I am strong and capable.
I have incredible people in my life who love and support me.
It's better to go for what you want than settle.
If you reaaally work for something, there's a good chance you'll get it.
People come into your life for a reason.
Family is the most important thing.
Though I'm incredibly anxious, I am also brave.
It's not an easy or quick process to get a job you want and love.

7. What did my finances look like?

Maybe one day when I have a real job I can talk about what finances look like.

8. How did I spend my free time?

Reading, learning, exploring, with people I love. Watching TV. Trying to be a better human being..

9. How well did I take care of my body, mind, and soul?

Loaded question. Walking to and from work everyday in Atlanta took care of my body and soul quite well. Exploring and finding new things in the city did the same. Lately, I haven't done that as well. I was running and biking before it became monstrously cold outside. Id really like to be more active again.

My mind and soul spent a long time lamenting a failing and finally failed relationship and this took a really big toll on me. But it opened the door for seeing how loved and supported I was with my friends and family, which in turn was really nourishing.

I've been reading and challenging myself on lots of issues and ideas that I care about.. and I've also had lots of good conversations with people I care about.

Basically it's been a mixed bag.

10. How have I been open-minded?

Haha. Never at first do I want to give up things that I care about or truly believe in, so I'll fight back hard. But, when there are nuggets of truth and good realizations in an argument, I'll come around.

11. When did I feel most creatively inspired?

Working with Georgia Equality and seeing the community come together and work to create change.

12. What projects have I completed?

I don't know that this really applies.

13. How have I procrastinated?

All day every day.

Peace Corps stuff.
Getting life stuff together.

14. In what ways can I re-structure my time?

Less time online reading, more time actively involved with the world.

15. How have I allowed fear of failure hold me back?

I am an overly anxious person and I fight this all the time. This year I've dealt with:

Fearing a lack of acceptance for Peace Corps
Fearing moving to Atlanta was the wrong choice
Not getting a "real" job
Living at home
Ending a 3 year relationship
Getting into Peace Corps

All of these fears and failures have taken their toll on me, but realizing that I'm strong and can take any of these challenges was hella empowering and always got me through.

16. Where has self-doubt taken over?

My break up. Dating post breakup.  Thinking about sex and intimacy post break up. Not getting a real job. Driving. Thinking of how I'll hack it in the Peace Corps. Getting my shit together for Peace Corps. Comparing myself to other future volunteers.

17. When have I felt the most alive?

Back in Baltimore with the loves of my life.

18. How have I taught others to respect me?

Talking about things that I care about, that are disappointing, that I don't appreciate, that I believe in and value, sharing dreams, and being honest with my feelings and admit where I'm at.

By not settling, by not tolerating  disrespect.

19. How can I improve my relationships?

Most are really, reallyyy solid, but I guess communicating with those with whom it's been awhile!

Also it's really important to let people know I love them and give them quality time.

20. Have I been unfair to anyone?

Yes. It's shameful and I constantly try and make amends.

21. Who do I need to forgive?

I've already done this, but Antoine. Tom, again. Tomas. All for my own benefit, as I'm sure they're all fine and sleeping well at night.

22. Where is it time to let go?

#21.
#16.

23. What old habits would I like to release?

Extra sleep. Bad food. Obsessing. Impatience. Getting overly frustrated.

24. What new habits would I like to cultivate?

Getting back to living intentionally and well.
More regular communication with people I love.
Meditation
Living in the moment
Mindful interactions with others
Patience
Rejoining society

25. How can I be kind to myself?

Stop undermining my own success.
Stop comparing my life and life choices to my peers.
Stop worrying so much.
Believe in myself and my capability more.
Stop letting fear paralyze me.
Forgive myself in times of weakness and stupidity.
Love and know myself more.

A little something to justify my discomfort

This

Today's collection of thoughts

I've been stuck in this horrible little self-created bubble the last few days. Obsessively reading articles, revisiting and reevaluating the contents, and getting mighty uppity whenever someone makes unintelligent comments on social media in connection to things I care about. It's, not attractive or healthy for that matter. Actually, it's just aggressive.

I need to get out of my head and out of the other minds I've been pouring over. So as I always say, do as Dumbledore would do. In this circumstance, that obviously means mind-dump into my fake pensieve.

So first thought: I have to remember who I was 4 years ago.. And even further back than that. It was scary. I've never been a "bad" person.. Or at least, not fully awful; but boy, am I different person than I was back then.

I have to remember we are all coming from different places, that we are only given so much information, so many tools without seeking them on our own. That we all have room for growth and learning.  I need to be more compassionate. I need to not let anger be my first response when something I hold dear to my heart is challenged.

Secondly, all this noise about white feminism and #solidarityisforwhitewomen is killing me. It's that uncomfortable kind of coming to terms with reality and how my actions and ideals suck sometimes. It's that same deeply uncomfortable feeling that I had in LVC's anti-racism sessions where we were asked to have caucuses based on race.

Also I'm annoyed with talking about and defending feminism lately. It's honestly just not worth keeping the terminology when it's a constant battle to get past it and into any real issues. I'm just done. Instead here's this:

Coming to terms with growth

Sometimes I read frustratingly brilliant articles and an idea or two will put me off. Okay, more than put me off, they nag the hell out of me.

So, naturally I try to dismiss them.
They're wrong.
They're not giving enough credit where credit is due.
They're diminishing the good that comes from them, by only focusing on the bad.
They make me uncomfortable--they hit a little too close to home.

They nag me when I read another article that offers a different voice and perspective on the same issue.
They become the gravel in my shoe. I pull it off and shake it out; place the shoe back on my foot expecting sweet relief, but despite the efforts of gravity, the gravel remains.

They even nag me in the shower.

Moral of the story is, when I hold onto something for so long, trying to deconstruct and discredit it, I come to realize how important the idea I'm trying to dismiss, really is.

Last week I had a totally inappropriate moment where a conversation with a good friend about the amazing (yet rightly controversial) Orange is the New Black turned into some pretty personal moments of realization and quarter-life crisis all rolled up into one. Luckily, my guy is awesome and potentially the most non-judgmental, thoughtful, most affirming dude I've ever met, so he handled my weird rant/ emotional outbreak very well, all considering.

The conversation started praising the show for its obvious awesomeness, but also keeping in mind the problems associated with framing so many women from different racial, social, socioeconomic, even gendered backgrounds through the perspective of a white middle class woman. From that, we began talking about the problematic nature of white voices telling black stories.

A long debate ensued. After which I was worked up and started talking about the work I used to do at LWR. I worked in Communications and Marketing where I relayed stories about struggling families, groups of people fighting off poverty, disease, and  death and wrapped up their lives in very marketable, very sell-able packages. Bow and everything. (Seriously, a source once cited me and my blog posts calling me an aid worker in Africa. I've obviously never been to Africa, yet.) I've often acknowledged on some level that by taking someone's story and "giving a voice to the voiceless," I'm turning those people and their experiences into commodities. I'm selling them to constituents. But this time it actually hit me, and it hit me hard. I'm selling these stories.

If that doesn't sound heinous, take another moment and let it sink in.

I'm taking a person and essentially selling her/him/ze.

Are you fully disgusted? Or are you just laughing because writing about someone's life doesn't reeeeallly do any harm, right? How could it?

And those used to be my thoughts. If I'm using your story to raise money, and that money is going to help you, or others like you, how can that possibly be that bad? We're saving lives..sooo

I've always acknowledged that development work is harmful on many levels but have always kept a nugget of optimism in my heart. Good comes from it, so many lives are saved from the aid and sustainable developmental efforts. Giving resources, offering foundational support, sharing skills, and knowledge, training people in country to perform certain tasks--these are the ways we facilitate good, ground up development and positive change. So much beautiful false hope.

And yet, my head was spinning. The reason that I've always wanted to work in development is because  in my mind it offers the littlest bit of atonement for all of the travesty, the exploitation, the detriment we as the US has caused other countries. Past tense and present.

Development work--even through the guise of the good organizations that boast sustainable development is case and point foreign hand and foreign interest, also an extension of the Federal Government, the funders, of the people with money making decisions to impact the lives of those we hold power over. We are the real voices determining what change will take place, determining what resources will be given. We create and plan projects, we choose how to implement them--and after a long horrible history of giving people what they don't need or want, failed seed and crop experiments, mono-cropping devastation, terrible influences of the IMF and World Bank, we watch the Global South fail over and over again. We are the ones who are failing our brothers and sisters across the globe. Yet, its profitable for us to do this, and so we continue to exploit under the guise of life-saving--we are the ones who get countries hooked on our aid without ever working towards real systemic change. We are the ones who should be deeply ashamed. Our foreign hand has caused more detriment than we can probably even fully understand.

I was part of a pretty amazing book club last year where we read The Revolution will not be Funded  written about the Non-Profit Industrial Complex and while there were some really amazing/ revolutionary ideas in the book, I was pretty much alone in camp where I believed that non-profits though flawed, were doing what they were made to do (fill the gaps that the government can't as well as, provide resources to those who need them) and that they are generally forces of good!

The book, and the rest of my club argued that while that was the original intention for non-profits, they should now be geared towards more radical and revolutionary means--they should work to create active change at systematic levels. That non-profits have grown into organizations that instead of solving root issues of problems, they keep people trapped in cyclical problematic patterns of poverty etc.  Non-profits are often so concerned with where their next funding comes from, they are unable to fully do their jobs and commit to their missions. They are always chasing funding.That non-profits are completely controlled by that very funding and often are an extension of the government or governmental issues when receiving grants (that most rely on), and restricted funding which leads to mission creep.

These points nagged at me continuously. My life has always followed a path that would take me straight to non-profit work, how could it really be so problematic?

The issues I've been struggling to come to terms with for 2 years all hit me at once.  All those nagging thoughts that I'd wall-papered over with beautiful hope came crashing down during this interaction that was supposed to be an easygoing talk about a show I like.
Suddenly, in a moment of clarity during our conversation, I understood it all perfectly.

Development work is inherently tied to continuing the disempowerment of those already "less powerful," it is controlled by those in power, ie those with money--it is an extension of our federal government which has been a key player in the exploitation of the Global South and its people since..the rise of capitalism. I'm going into the Peace Corps in a little over a month and one major motivation was to learn how to "do development work right." I wanted to go to school for it. I wanted to dedicate my life to this piece of atonement--to create positive change in people's lives. Yet, development is completely controlled by self interest and money. I will never be able to work in an organization that is not controlled by or part of that system. 

My world shattered around me. Everything I've wanted to dedicate my life too--every nagging element of these arguments I'd been fighting against suddenly fused together in a singular moment of understanding.

I've never felt so depressed, so helpless, or so full of emotion. It literally took me years to get it.. and took all of my willpower to resist tears in that moment.

And so, I've spent the last week or so trying to figure out where I go from here.

All I've come up with is gratitude. For my friends and our conversations, for the brilliant minds who I'm able to read every day, for articles that change and develop my understanding of the world, and for my nagging conscience and my constant desire to discover and challenge. I'm grateful for the growth I resisted for two years and for the possibilities that will arise from truly examining it.

Despite being heartbroken over this conversation and what it means for me and my future, I'm deeply grateful for understanding the world in a different way, for recognizing the harmful cycle of systemic injustice and maybe finding a way to live that doesn't play into it.

Every Bush is Burning: A Spirituality for Our Time

This is a quote from Joan Puls.

It defines the way that I've come to understand humanity, and is the most beautifully realized description of spirituality that I've come across.

A close friend and previous roommate Sarah Bolick once read this to my Baltimore community in order to give us a better understanding of her relationship to spirituality.

I was touched, immediately.
Ever since, I've hung the quote on my wall next to my bed and come back to it often.


"Spirituality embraces all of life, breathes through its homely details and its noble intentions. It is at the heart of our efforts to be human. Its is the seamless robe worn in all our roles. Spirituality arouses in us an awe for the mystery of every human life. It is the lived connection of body and spirit, work and play, life and death. It is the reflection of our inner, honest, searching self and the expression of our tender, generous, hoping heart. It is the style of our judging and acting and the quality of our loving. It is the voice of our prayer and the progress of our pilgrimage towards peace. It is the silence of our struggles and the echo of our cry for justice. It is the ability to turn obstacles into opportunities and cacti into kingdom-signs. It is the truth of our allegiances and the measure of our commitment to our world and its people. It is the scope of our wisdom, the test of our trust, the human translation of our Godlikeness. It is the realization that every bush is burning.

Perhaps most specifically, it is the degree of our harmony with all that is within and without us. We become spiritual when we inhabit our bodies, know our own souls, and insert ourselves gracefully into all that surrounds us. We become spiritual when we discern the sounds of our earth, recognize signs of pending destruction, speak words of blessings and reconciliation. We become spiritual when we know ourselves as potential sisters and brothers of everything and everyone who has lived. We become spiritual when we find in this moment the message for today and in today the mission for tomorrow. When we experience the "in-one-ness" of life. Being spiritual demands the combined investment of our whole heart, our whole mind, our sexuality, our psyche, our sweat, and our very breath. 'I came that they might have life and have it to the full' (John 10:10). Life fully human and fully spiritual, life integrated and incarnated."

It has been a few months since I've last read this piece, yet every time, it seems completely new. The words are never the same.

What I gain each time as meaningful and relevant wisdom ebbs and flows depending on my current life. The power and fluidity of these words never ceases to amaze me. Though, some thoughts always seem to resonate with me, and tug at my core understanding and relationship with spirituality:

"It is at the heart of our efforts to be human."
"We become spiritual when we inhabit our bodies, know our own souls,"
"We become spiritual when we know ourselves as potential sisters and brothers of everything and everyone who has lived."
"When we experience the "in-one-ness" of life."

While those words seem to soothe my frustrating and often times painful inability to verbalize spirituality, or why it is so deeply important and meaningful to me, this time different elements stood out:

"It is the reflection of our inner, honest, searching self and the expression of our tender, generous, hoping heart."
"It is the silence of our struggles and the echo of our cry for justice. "
"We become spiritual when we discern the sounds of our earth, recognize signs of pending destruction,"

Initially, I thought it was because I'm in a place of self-discovery and searching..but its more than that. Spirituality is reflected in our actions and can be understood through the way we choose to live-it is a process of discovery, compassion, and hope. Our need is strongest in times of suffering and despair, and we answer its call when we seek justice for our brothers and sisters. It is solidarity. Lastly, spirituality is most often recognized and understood in the idea of connection--not just with our fellow man, but our connection and accountability to the Earth, nature, the world we live in. We are obligated to protect and live in dignity with each other, not to yield power and control over anything that deemed weaker.

Obviously these interpretations are fully contrived based on my focus--my concerns, biases, worries, journey towards self-discovery and my overall thoughts for leaving my comfortable life and heading into the unknown.

The next time I read this, the same line will mean something entirely different, and hopefully I'll understand spirituality even more comprehensively.

I'm so grateful that this dynamic work of poetry is something I can keeping coming back to and something I can keep gaining insight from. It always seems so intensely personal upon each reading, but vital to share and hope others gain as much from this as I do.

Beauty unexpected.

Sometimes when thinking of Africa its easy to get caught up in an American, first world frenzy and put my armor on.

It's hot.

Its people are dying.

They're poor.

I am small and I don't know anything, what will this whole deal end up meaning? 

And, as my mom constantly reminds me--there are some serious predators out there, animal and otherwise.

Then miraculous little reminders, moments in time happen and I'm reminded that I'm looking at an entire continent through the lens of years of oppression, racism, and without any consideration for a cultural understanding different than my own. My realm of experience = good, and all things foreign are inherently wrong. They're not developed, not carefully considered, they're not dignified; there's room for growth and improvement. Why this egoism on my part? What the hell is wrong with me? When did I become this person?

How am I'm forgetting that meaningful, happy, dignified lives are lived in Africa? That I'm looking at a fragment of the whole picture-- and this is carefully by design. My understanding is a context that would make uncle Sam proud--looking at differences and reacting with fear instead of understanding. 

And then I see this. http://blog.africageographic.com/africa-geographic-blog/travel/budget-travel/malawi-the-land-of-the-lake/

Pure, untouched, non-exploited beauty.

And I wonder who is actually living a more wholly satisfying and dignified life? 

More than that, I wonder if I can give up all my Americanized biases, realized and otherwise.

2 Months Till Malawi

My staging date for Peace Corps is only two months away. Does this strike fear into anyone else's heart?

No?

There have to be real and tangible ways to prepare for this experience, right? I've been reading about it, learning the language, talking to people about their experiences.. Yet, it all seems surreal, like walking through a dream. I feel really removed from what's about to happen-which is the case for most adventures I undertake; but this is different.
This is my life for 2 years, not something I come home from at the end of each day. This is a solo act  (at least initially) and I have to be strong enough to get through those first trials on my own. I have an amazing support net, but this time it's oceans away. I will come blazing into this experience focused on constructing a new one with my fellow Peace Corps volunteers and a community of people whose language I do not yet speak, and whose lives I don't truly understand. I'm extremely excited about this, but it takes time. Time and tons of patience and compassion.

And there's joy and beauty and so much value in this experience, absolutely. But right now I'm in the pre-panic stage and wish I had a way to better prepare myself for everything ahead.

And yet there are times I feel absolute peace with the unknown and adventure, love, and new life on the horizon.

Eh, whatever will be, will be I suppose.

Ode to Pomegranates

A pomegranate is a spiritual practice.
Peeling away the surface to
seeds full of juice
Bursting on my fingers and on my tongue
All over my clothes and sheets with
a satisfying crunch. It's time consuming
And if your attention wanders
little stains soak deep into the fabric
And stay beneath your nails. Requiring focus,
Mindfulness, time, and appreciation-only then
Will you fully catch the scent, will you understand the texture, the weight-will you treasure the process and will the flavor slowly
Revive your soul.