Baltimore

Tonight, I'm half a world away from home, sitting by myself in the dark, trying to untangle the jumble of emotions in my gut, feelings of sadness, hot tears of anger, and mostly an overwhelming feeling of helplessness. I'm mourning the deep wounds of one of the great loves of my life. My city, Baltimore. 

For years Bmore has been keeping it together but hanging by threads in the face of tense race relations, poverty, police brutality, lack of jobs, drug issues, and general lack of equity. So many fates exist within Baltimore, so many lives and roles to be played out--two streets away from the some of the wealthiest residents are condemned lots, boarded up row homes as far as the eye can see. Living in Baltimore, along with being the best year of my life, opened my eyes to the world, to unjust police surveillance, cavalier attitudes about homelessness and harassment, violence, so many unnecessary deaths, and literal lines drawn in the street separating black from white, poor from the rich, those with a future and those who would die years before their time.

It's no surprise to me that in a time where people are finally fighting back, those who have been oppressed their entire lives are coming together, finding their voices, and fighting structural injustice that Baltimore has found it's place in this war. Yes, it's violent. It's scary, and it's a consuming type of wildfire--the kind that spreads and hopefully creates revolution. The kind that works to change this heinous bullshit we call justice at it's very core. But god, what I can't understand is how we're surprised that this is happening again. Have we forgotten Trevyon so soon? What about Ferguson? How about the thousands of other black bodies broken and battered by our justice system? Did we truly not anticipate this outcry after the police broke the spine of a young black man who only ostensibly committed the crime of being a young black man? 

I can't believe I'm not there. I can't believe I'm not closer. I can't believe that all I can do is read about it on the news and post articles on Facebook. I can't believe I can't be there for my city, my people, protesting in solidarity. I can't pretend that I didn't spend a better part of the afternoon looking up plane tickets and riding a rollercoaster of emotion. 

I believe in a need for protest, I believe in change. I don't support or endorse violence, but I understand why it's happening. What I can't stomach is all the racist things I'm seeing on social media in response to these events. How do we not recognize that we're perpetuating all of the things that this protest is fighting against? How do we not care? 

When did our disgust for property damage override our disgust for massive injustice. Why aren't we all standing together right now?

http://m.dailykos.com/story/2015/04/28/1380944/-The-Dominant-White-Response-to-Baltimore-Shows-Why-Black-Residents-are-Justified-in-their-Anger?detail=facebook_sf

http://www.forbes.com/sites/dandiamond/2015/04/28/why-baltimore-burned/

http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2015/04/nonviolence-as-compliance/391640/

http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2015/04/the-paradox-at-the-heart-of-police-brutality-protests/391637/?utm_source=SFTwitter

http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/video/2015/apr/28/baltimore-riots-police-justice-video

http://www.buzzfeed.com/adamserwer/black-leadership-in-baltimore

http://www.bbc.com/news/blogs-trending-32497921

http://www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2015/04/29/why-is-america-celebrating-the-beating-of-a-black-child/?tid=sm_fb

http://www.buzzfeed.com/ryanhatesthis/another-side-of-the-baltimore-riots?bffb&utm_term=4ldqpho#4ldqpho

http://www.colorlines.com/articles/thugs-students-rioters-fans-medias-subtle-racism-unrest-coverage

http://www.npr.org/2015/04/28/402761088/-aint-no-way-you-can-sit-here-and-be-silent?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=npr&utm_term=nprnews&utm_content=20150428

http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/04/what-white-folks-need-to-know-about-baltimoreuprising/

 http://ftw.usatoday.com/2015/04/orioles-john-angelos-baltimore-protests-mlb?utm_content=buffer01307&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

https://www.jacobinmag.com/2015/04/baltimore-freddie-gray-unrest-protests/

http://socialistworker.org/2015/04/27/in-the-streets-for-freddie

 https://radfag.wordpress.com/2015/04/26/in-support-of-baltimore-or-smashing-police-cars-is-logical-political-strategy/

http://www.salon.com/2015/04/28/baltimores_violent_protesters_are_right_smashing_police_cars_is_a_legitimate_political_strategy/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=socialflow 

http://www.alternet.org/economy/ten-shocking-facts-about-baltimore#.VUEQe6gPjuE.facebook

That's something.

Sometimes I'm completely unfulfilled by my life here and little by little I sink into a of profound sense of failure, emptiness, and sadness which is not easily mitigated. Unknowingly, it creeps up me, unpleasantly surprising me, like running into an old classmate in the supermarket. Maybe it's because I'm not actively nourishing my soul through all the beautiful and meaningful things I deeply love. (like spirituality, art, exploration.. etc.) Or, possibly it's the utter lack of stimulation here, instead stagnation grows filling the cracks in my foundation like weeds in concrete. I know, I deeply miss my family and relationships back home. But more than anything, it's due to unmet expectations I've created for myself. It's because my mind is cradling lost moments in time both mourning and delighting in their passing; or it is tangled up, aching from failed romance--or likely, I am creating countless scenarios for my future. 

It's because I'm not present.

At this point in my life, I know that I am capable. I'm strong and I can survive most any circumstance--I can go without, and I enjoy living simply. I have little to fear in terms of making it out there as an adult. I'll get a job, I'll live and breathe. I'll buy groceries and I'll cook. I'll have friends and an apartment. The problem is that I don't understand my place; I don't really see where and how I can fit into this world. I don't exactly see a future vision of the me operating within the world that makes me happy. I've given myself time and I've given myself opportunities, (and all I have to show for it is this lousy blog post.)

I've always lived sort of unconventionally and actually, I'm incredibly proud of my life and my choices. I've really worked to live and experience life this way, and I'm damn thankful for all of it, but I still feel like I'm wandering and sometimes, floundering. 

I know it takes time, or being at the right place at the right time, or good networking skills, or a strong sense of direction, or maybe a dash of magic and luck, or hell, even nepotism to live in a way that's aligned with your passions, values, and makes you happy. 

Most times, I'm totally there, and I know how lucky I am to live in this place at this time. I know im living out my passions and I'm in love with life, but sometimes when I look to the future, I'm completely lost. 

I miss stability, but it's too confining. I miss being deep in the throws of romantic love but, it's all encompassing. I love and appreciate the journey, but ultimately, I am worried it might amount to nothing. 

But if nothing else. While I suffer through the not knowing, feeling like I'm not making an impact, failures, figuring my shit out, I've got this view. 

That's something.

PCV Identity Crisis

Hands down, the best advice I've gotten about being a Peace Corps volunteer are the following words of wisdom:

Define what you want your service to be about.

&

Don't compare yourself or your service to anyone else's.

Simple enough in theory.  But then, sometimes you have a best friend in country who is just killing it--implementing amazing projects from all angles and successfully doing sustainable development work (I'm looking at you Rebecca Burleson..) and you can feel a little inferior. 

I've found myself thinking, "am I doing this Peace Corps thing right?" Too many times to count. It can be in relation to work, travel, relationships here--whatever the case, it's always when I'm comparing myself and my service to another volunteer's experience; and it's always a little damaging. We have a vast range of experiences here, and while they differ dramatically, for better or for worse, they are all valid. This is especially hard when comparing elements of life that you're struggling with to something that a fellow PCV is conquering like a champ. 

Service is also a rollercoaster of high and low points, Peace Corps acknowledges this and has a chart that indicates the likely peaks and valleys of one's service. They anticipate our moments of depression and despair and our elation and honeymoon affairs with Malawi so accurately, it's a little unnerving. 

And it all takes time. I'm a year into my service and I've only recently and concretely figured out what I'm doing here, redefining my service once again. The things I'd initially prided myself on, or told myself they'd be a priority.. Well, some of them panned out, some of them didn't. And that's really the name of the game here: everything is complicated and challenging, projects fail, friends and counterparts move away, people are unmotivated and unreliable--and yet we are still capable of greatness and real, tangible change. This isn't a two year vacation where I'm off traveling, smoking weed, and finding myself--it's a life I've committed to, it's an innate promise I've given my community, and a promise I've made to myself.

People are confused about what I do here and, that's fair. My blog has really been a forum for me to talk about all of the things that PC has meant to me and done for me. My Facebook isn't wholly representative of my life or my work either. (I find it undignified to take pictures of people going about their lives here just as much as I hate people snapping photos of me because I'm alive and breathing or buying tomatoes.) And then, there's that pesky definition of "work" itself. Everything here is work, cultural exchange, etc. It's a tiny bit intimidating to explain to a bunch of fellow Americans what work is here versus work in the good ole U S of A.

But, let me break it down a little, my scope of work has recently shifted dramatically from village level to national level. This means instead of just working locally in my village, in my health center, etc. I'm now doing bigger picture work for Peace Corps and PCVs. 

Currently I am malaria girl! I am part of the M-SWAG team (Malawi, stomping where anopheles gather). I'm actually the northern regional coordinator for all things malaria. My role is to be a catalyst for other PCVs to do malaria work-- and to support them best I can with resources, technical knowledge, etc and report all the work in my area. I recently went to Senegal, West Africa for a malaria Bootcamp. Here I gained a more in depth understanding of malaria related issues in country and tons of project ideas for malaria prevention within my community. It was amazing, (both the country and the Bootcamp) and I gained a lot from it. It's made me seriously consider pursuing malaria work in the future. I also have some ongoing village malaria projects--some training programs in schools and in the community and a project where I go into homes and make sure people are using nets correctly, take pictures of them to post at the local health center, and do community demonstrations with songs, books, and lots of laughter. (Both are more fun and effective than they sound.) 

I'm also coordinating a camp for female empowerment. We pull 66 girls from around the country to participate in Camp Glow as campers, as well as some junior counselors. Here we talk about sexual health, career planning and goal setting, let them express themselves freely, teaching them to use computers (for some this is the first and last time they will ever touch a computer in their lives) we take them to the embassy, have them meet role models and bad ass Malawian women who have accomplished great things, do the pad project, have a forum where they ask men questions, talk about sex, pleasure, masturbation--and we cover gender based violence, rape, and gender disparities. This is an incredible camp that offers something that most girls in Malawi will never have--comraderie with other young empowered girls, a place to ask questions and talk about taboos, it also gives them a sense of freedom and power they might never experience again. It's an incredible experience, something I'm stoked to be a part of, and more than anything--a hell of a lot of work.

Lastly, I helped create and form the Gender Committee and our main task is to help train staff and PCVs for encountering and dealing with gender disparities in Malawi. We are also compiling a comprehensive list of laws and safe places to send those encountering rape and GBV in Malawi. As well as a bunch of other things.

The pull between wanting to do work directly in my community and doing less tangible and explainable work in the capital has created an internal struggle for me. This is not at all what I envisioned my service to look like, and it's very different from my peers.. But it's also enabling me to do and be a part of everything I've wanted in country. 

I still have a bunch of projects in my community that relate to youth, gender, and malaria-- but my focus is wandering to the bigger picture and settling in the realms of change and support. 

And so, I try to remind myself that everyone has their own paths, work differs  greatly here for everyone, and that what I'm doing is valuable. I try to remind myself that this is my choice and it's a good one for me!  And I try to focus on what I can do in my own context.. This place, this time, and with my own limited resources. 

After all, we can't all be Beccy's of the world.;)  And I'm just okay with that!! 

Disclaimer: We have a ton of PCV all-stars and I highly respect and  only slightly envy them all for the amazing work they're able to accomplish in their time here.

Hearts are bursting

It's all so beautiful and painful and bittersweet. It's all growing pains and pangs. 

I'm going to suck every drop out of this life, out of this Peace Corps experience.