Monday, April 13, 2015

PCV Identity Crisis

Hands down, the best advice I've gotten about being a Peace Corps volunteer are the following words of wisdom:

Define what you want your service to be about.
&
Don't compare yourself or your service to anyone else's.

Simple enough in theory.  But then, sometimes you have a best friend in country who is just killing it--implementing amazing projects from all angles and successfully doing sustainable development work (I'm looking at you Rebecca Burleson..) and you can feel a little inferior. 

I've found myself thinking, "am I doing this Peace Corps thing right?" Too many times to count. It can be in relation to work, travel, relationships here--whatever the case, it's always when I'm comparing myself and my service to another volunteer's experience; and it's always a little damaging. We have a vast range of experiences here, and while they differ dramatically, for better or for worse, they are all valid. This is especially hard when comparing elements of life that you're struggling with to something that a fellow PCV is conquering like a champ. 

Service is also a rollercoaster of high and low points, Peace Corps acknowledges this and has a chart that indicates the likely peaks and valleys of one's service. They anticipate our moments of depression and despair and our elation and honeymoon affairs with Malawi so accurately, it's a little unnerving. 

And it all takes time. I'm a year into my service and I've only recently and concretely figured out what I'm doing here, redefining my service once again. The things I'd initially prided myself on, or told myself they'd be a priority.. Well, some of them panned out, some of them didn't. And that's really the name of the game here: everything is complicated and challenging, projects fail, friends and counterparts move away, people are unmotivated and unreliable--and yet we are still capable of greatness and real, tangible change. This isn't a two year vacation where I'm off traveling, smoking weed, and finding myself--it's a life I've committed to, it's an innate promise I've given my community, and a promise I've made to myself.

People are confused about what I do here and, that's fair. My blog has really been a forum for me to talk about all of the things that PC has meant to me and done for me. My Facebook isn't wholly representative of my life or my work either. (I find it undignified to take pictures of people going about their lives here just as much as I hate people snapping photos of me because I'm alive and breathing or buying tomatoes.) And then, there's that pesky definition of "work" itself. Everything here is work, cultural exchange, etc. It's a tiny bit intimidating to explain to a bunch of fellow Americans what work is here versus work in the good ole U S of A.

But, let me break it down a little, my scope of work has recently shifted dramatically from village level to national level. This means instead of just working locally in my village, in my health center, etc. I'm now doing bigger picture work for Peace Corps and PCVs. 

Currently I am malaria girl! I am part of the M-SWAG team (Malawi, stomping where anopheles gather). I'm actually the northern regional coordinator for all things malaria. My role is to be a catalyst for other PCVs to do malaria work-- and to support them best I can with resources, technical knowledge, etc and report all the work in my area. I recently went to Senegal, West Africa for a malaria Bootcamp. Here I gained a more in depth understanding of malaria related issues in country and tons of project ideas for malaria prevention within my community. It was amazing, (both the country and the Bootcamp) and I gained a lot from it. It's made me seriously consider pursuing malaria work in the future. I also have some ongoing village malaria projects--some training programs in schools and in the community and a project where I go into homes and make sure people are using nets correctly, take pictures of them to post at the local health center, and do community demonstrations with songs, books, and lots of laughter. (Both are more fun and effective than they sound.) 

I'm also coordinating a camp for female empowerment. We pull 66 girls from around the country to participate in Camp Glow as campers, as well as some junior counselors. Here we talk about sexual health, career planning and goal setting, let them express themselves freely, teaching them to use computers (for some this is the first and last time they will ever touch a computer in their lives) we take them to the embassy, have them meet role models and bad ass Malawian women who have accomplished great things, do the pad project, have a forum where they ask men questions, talk about sex, pleasure, masturbation--and we cover gender based violence, rape, and gender disparities. This is an incredible camp that offers something that most girls in Malawi will never have--comraderie with other young empowered girls, a place to ask questions and talk about taboos, it also gives them a sense of freedom and power they might never experience again. It's an incredible experience, something I'm stoked to be a part of, and more than anything--a hell of a lot of work.

Lastly, I helped create and form the Gender Committee and our main task is to help train staff and PCVs for encountering and dealing with gender disparities in Malawi. We are also compiling a comprehensive list of laws and safe places to send those encountering rape and GBV in Malawi. As well as a bunch of other things.

The pull between wanting to do work directly in my community and doing less tangible and explainable work in the capital has created an internal struggle for me. This is not at all what I envisioned my service to look like, and it's very different from my peers.. But it's also enabling me to do and be a part of everything I've wanted in country. 

I still have a bunch of projects in my community that relate to youth, gender, and malaria-- but my focus is wandering to the bigger picture and settling in the realms of change and support. 

And so, I try to remind myself that everyone has their own paths, work differs  greatly here for everyone, and that what I'm doing is valuable. I try to remind myself that this is my choice and it's a good one for me!  And I try to focus on what I can do in my own context.. This place, this time, and with my own limited resources. 

After all, we can't all be Beccy's of the world.;)  And I'm just okay with that!! 



Disclaimer: We have a ton of PCV all-stars and I highly respect and  only slightly envy them all for the amazing work they're able to accomplish in their time here.


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