Without a doubt, and without a choice, Malawi is making me a better person.
Life is just different here, and so, I'm forced to adapt and relearn not just how to survive, but how to live--it's an interesting challenge figuring out how to be true to myself and my values while respecting and living within the often restrictive bounds of Malawian culture. It's easy enough to figure out how to get by in Malawi- minibuses, Nsima, soya, chitenjes..the hard part is figuring out how to make this my home. How will I ensure that these two years are fulfilling? Can I actually make real connections and relationships? How do I combat loneliness, culture shock, depression when they creep up? How can I make sure my work and projects are meaningful and sustainable? How can I find things that nourish my soul, challenge me, and cause growth? How will I deal with being separated from those people I love most in the world for two years? Really just.. How do I make this home?
If I were a super hero I'd be Captain Anxiety-- with the ability to figure out all possible scenarios in the matter of seconds, leap to conclusions in a single bound, make lists and plans like a champ, stress about things out of my control to a point that causes natural disasters, panic when winging any type of travel, and of course stressexpress all the feelings!! While I see this side of myself slowly fading to the background, I am eternally thankful for it, it's shaped me and has helped me make pretty consistently good choices. It also helped me prepare for my life in Malawi. I had gone over the worst possible scenarios in my head, all of my fears, and mourned all of my losses ahead of time. Now I'm here and the reality is a million times better than I could have ever expected. What a delightful surprise.
Despite all that, how can I get myself to fully accept my choice and live in the present? How to wrap my mind around the fact that this is indeed my life, and not to escape to a westernized fantasy in my mind?
I've mentioned before that it's really hard for me to think of this experience in terms of two years. I've always had my eyes and heart focused on the future, looking forward to the next thing. It's a difficult trait when determined to live an intentional lifestyle or when trying to be mindful and really experience every moment, so acknowledging that, plus a combination of people already asking me my plan post Peace Corps has forced me to take a beat and really think about my first four months in country, where I was, where I am, and where I'm trying to go..
Frankly, when it comes down to it, and I think about my time here, I can say that with the exception of my year in Baltimore, I am the happiest that I've ever been--in my whole damn life. What a realization! While my goal isn't merely "constant contentment" I think it's a pretty powerful sign that I'm on the right track.
I'm already making real relationships both professionally, and with friends. I have a family that's taken me in, I have children that run full speed to greet and hug me whenever they see me approach, I have friends who I go and visit, I have friends who come over to garden with me or swim in the lake, I have two amazing counterparts who care and want to learn and pass on skills...I have friends with whom I can't communicate with, but instead we giggle like loons tripping over broken language together.
It took me far too long into my adulthood to realize that my main drive and motivation in life is relationships. For me it's the most beautiful, fulfilling, and almost magical thing. Feeling like I have real friends to confide in, rely on, spend time with, and be silly with has solidified a place for me in the community. It's made me a real person rather than a ghost wandering around Malawi looking for a purpose.
Along with being anxious, I'm also cautious. Anything with real risk and consequence involved is something I have to seriously consider before I take any action.
Malawi has taught me how to be brave. I have said yes to approximately a thousand different things already that I would never have done previously or would have stressed about for days. There is nothing as liberating as realizing that you can do things you hadn't thought you could previously.. And that you are the only thing holding yourself back. I feel so strong, so powerful, so capable...there isn't enough language to express the gratitude I feel for this.
Malawi has a slow sort of lifestyle. I feel guilty and indulgent for being able to live this way sometimes, and while this might be the most ironic statement of the century, I fully believe it's such a privilege to be able to live this way. The whole reason this exists is because of a lack of modern convenience and technology. It takes forever to do anything, but that's the beauty of it. Every chore, every practice you must give your full attention to, you experience every second of every day. There is no distraction, no instant gratification--only the moment, the task at hand, and the experience. Yes, sometimes dull, but it's changed my understanding of how to interact well with the world. Everything becomes a meditation, a privilege, an experience rather than a chore to get through.
Since I'm on a role listing all my places for growth, my tolerance for being and lack of patience is atrocious. And by that, I mean I am the least patient person I know. Seriously, I'm terrible..I'm a clock watcher even in Africa (ever heard of African time? Whats the point?) Turns out, I'm also not a natural at learning Chitumbuka. What I've learned from the amayis who watch me struggle through broken phrases and wrong tenses, from the iwes who try repeating the same thing over and over hoping it will suddenly click in my mind and that I'll finally understand, from my coworkers who will explain and explain and explain the same thing over and over, from the nice man who I've asked his name about 53 times..patience is a practice in kindness. I've been given so much kindness, and love from every single person I've met in Malawi. It has been everything to me, it's the reason I'm succeeding--mostly it's shown me that I need to learn to mirror that patience that's been given to me back into the world.
Even if I wasn't actively working on being more patient..my constant Malawian mantra is, "I'm going to be so fucking zen." There's no choice in the matter as so much is beyond my control, all I can do is float along and try and make some positive changes along the way. Yes, I might have a chicken in a plastic bag jammed against my thigh in a mini bus for 3 hours along with three open buckets of some ripe dead fish next to my feet..But damn, I'm going to be zen. Yes, I'm hours late, and my counterpart and community STILL haven't arrived, but I'm going to be zen. Yes, service is down, can't send in my application that's due and I can't connect with any other American, but now is a time that calls for mastery of zennery. Yes, the iwes are saying there's a snake in my chim, but now is a time for zen+bravery+machete action. Yes, I'm presented with a plate of Nsima, dead caterpillars, and cooked mice (fur and all) but I'm gonna eat it and I'm gonna be zen about it.
Honestly, I'm in situations that would have stressed me out all the time in the US, but there comes a point where you accept the ridiculousness of your current situation and have to ask yourself.. What's the point of being stressed?
I can't tell you the amount of times I've been upset or frustrated about something but as soon as I go outside ..It's like all the woodland creatures, blue birds, and anthropomorphized bits of nature come together to brighten my day. Seriously it's either way too beautiful, I have awesome interactions with kids, the community, or another PVC and I can't stay in my funk. Even if I'm determined to be pissy. I'm always laughing and smiling unexpectedly. Sometimes Malawians will see me and get so excited to interact/ use their English skills I'll have a myriad of hilarious or bizarre interactions. For example, the other day a Malawian saw me for the first time. As he was riding his bike towards me, makes some serious eye contact, and screams at the top of his lungs, "I'M FINE THANK YOU!!" To which I responded, "right on brother" between my giggles.
Also Malawians are the kings/queens/genderneutralleaders of smiling and laughing, they are quite possibly the happiest most pleasant people on this planet. I dare you to come here and not be charmed.
Before I came to Malawi I had a definite "us and them" mentality which is something I would never have admitted, before--especially to myself. I must have had this idea in the back off mind that "they" were so different than me, no one would be happy, everyone was constantly struggling to survive, that extreme poverty would be tangible, that i have had such different life experiences real relationships would be impossible, and that I would consistently be racked with guilt, embarrassment of my origins, and a sense of hopelessness for change and the future. While I think this paragraph deserves a whole entry to itself to explain in full, Im happy to report that in all of those ideas, I couldn't have been more wrong.
While I didnt consciously think any of these things, after I got here, I learned that I'd actually had all of these hidden ideas and expectations of Africa from the news, history classes, previous experiences..from every half formed though or interaction or article is encountered before I got here. I was dead wrong. Thank god for that. I see people and their experiences as individual lives and struggles and not a homogeneous lump of people facing poverty and AIDs or whatever else we think about Africa. I finally am coming to understand that universal human connection, and hopefully I can relay these ideas and experiences with the dignity they embody and deserve.
Lastly, the natural beauty here will never get old. I'm a sucker for it.. I still haven't gotten over the novelty of, "I'm in Africa, doing my dream work, living in my dream location, falling in love with everything and everyone, And being accepted with open arms by Malawi in return."
