So kiss me goodbye

Last night in taking a shower I turned the knob to a slightly hotter temperature my skin could stand and let it rush over me while the room filled with steam. "What a luxury," I thought. Soon, I'll be taking unheated bucket baths.

That moment was the first time I felt strong and resolute--ready.
And here I am now, ready.

This is what empowerment feels like.

Music, Man.

When talking about art forms, music has always been pretty low on my list.

Lately I've realized how much it has become a part of my life. I think I'll actually miss it in Malawi or at least my memories related to specific songs.

Figuring it out:

Trips and Adventures:

Motivation and spirituality:

Exploring a new city:

The most beautiful description of love:

The light inside me recognizes the light inside you:

New connections:

Summer night drives with the windows down:

All's fair in love and war:

What if?:

Moving on:

My one and only:

lullabys :

That beautiful nostalgia:

Mutual Assured Destruction:

Indescribable:

My reality:

Hope:

Ride or die:

Malawi overview

This blog belongs to a another volunteer who is leaving in March with me. He did a really nice job of summing up some of the most common questions I tend to get about Malawi. This is a particularly a great post that explains what communication with a PCV will look like, especially initially. If you're interested in sending me any mail, my address will be the same (only with my name instead of Keith's,) but only for the first few months, before we are sworn in. It also takes about 4-6 weeks to receive anything from the post!

AMY BURKE, PCT
PEACE CORPS/MALAWI
BOX 208
LILONGWE
MALAWI

Feel free to peruse his blog a little more, he's got some really great information!!

And if you're hungry for more, another future PVC Justin, wrote a brief overview about what our initial time in country will look like. Unlike him, however, I am in the health sector rather than the environmental sector.

Enjoy! I'm sure we will all have much more to say in the coming months and over the next 2 years!

One Week..

Today is the third consecutive morning I've woken up early with a nervous, sick stomach and the inability to fall back asleep even though I'm EXHAUSTED. I guess my body is already preparing for jet lag and how Malawian cuisine will potentially treat my insides. (And/ or its a case of the pre-Malawi jitters.)

I have so much to do over this final week! It's great in a lot of ways. The experience I've been dreaming of for a year and a half is only a week away. I've finally shaken a bit of my overly nervous, paralyzed by fear phase and am moving into the Oh my god. It's really happening!!! phase. I apologize to everyone who I've poured my anxieties onto recently. But man did I need to process all that. I have some really wonderful friends who have helped me think and talk through everything related to leaving my life in the states behind and starting an entirely new life in Malawi, and I'm feeling good.

This process has definitely been the long goodbye.. And I'm not done yet. 4 more to go, not counting all my Skype dates.  Its wonderful and incredible that so many people want to spend time with me, say goodbye, and are so excited for me. Truly, I'm so, so grateful for their presence in my life. I will never be able to repay the kindnesses and love showered on me by those who I care about most.

So many people are curious about my motivation to be a part of the Peace Corps. Here's a really brief run down:

1. I want to live in a society so fundamentally different from America. A place not driven by consumerism, capitalism, and essentially run on the exploitation and marginalization of others.

2. Though critical of international development, I need to see what it looks like from the other side. I want to know how we are affecting other countries both negatively and positively, what the foreign hand truly looks like when you live in its shadow everyday, how the global south feels about foreign interference, and if international development can even be done in a way that is sustainable and ethical.

3. I feel like its a small piece of atonement for living a life that is quintessentially American and therefore thrives off exploitation and over-consumption. In a lot of ways, I think this will help me realize the importance of living well and help me change my habit of operating in ignorance, sometimes realized, sometimes not.

4. I want to learn. I have so, so much to learn about the world and about what it means to be a human. I think this experience will teach me volumes.

5. I want to challenge myself. I am someone who is really interested in living out my values in large and small every day actions. Outside of my LVC communities which really challenged me to live out my values and to be a a better person, I see myself slipping back to the dark side. I can't live as someone I'm not proud of. I have to be intentional, I have to consider the ethical repercussions of my choices, and I have to act in ways that honor and care for my global family. I think this experience will remind me of who I want to be, how I want to live, and why these things are so important to me. 

6. I want to be a global citizen. I want to create relationships and build understanding with people whose entire lives differ vastly from mine. I want to see the full picture and understand the world in a different light.

7. I want my life and time on Earth to mean something. I know this experience will mean so much to me, but I'm hoping it touches others too--anyone who I am fortunate enough to build relationships with.

8. I want to serve others. Service to others has always been a big part of my understanding of spirituality and my practice of spirituality--while I don't know if my Peace Corps position or my time in Malawi will accomplish much concretely, but I think I'll come across little and sometimes seemingly insignificant ways to serve others. I'll find ways to serve my fellow man.

9. Community is one of the most important things in my life and the opportunity to integrate into a new society and live communally is beyond enticing.

10. I want to fully realize and understand the living conditions/ living experience for those in the global south. I'm not going to get that from some trip or vacation; instead, I need to walk with and live in solidarity with these folks. 

11. In my life, I want to be part of revolutions and real, positive change. I think this experience could be a catalyst for creating change later in life.

12. I give a damn and maybe I can help a little. Whatever that looks like.

13. I want to travel and see the world.

The list goes on and on and on.. and the list of fears and worries I have about the experience goes on as well. The point is, that this is something that I want to do and that I have to do. I might be the least knowledgeable and experienced person undertaking this endeavor, but I believe in myself.

Less than 2 weeks.

I wanted to make sure I posted every day in my last two weeks, but that's already failed. But this failure had been a good thing, representative of the very full and wonderful days I've been having.

I just said my final goodbye to one of my closest friends, Jess. She came up from Baltimore to spend a few days with me and we had a wonderful time together. She's one of those people who you can't help but deeply love and respect. Jess is so brilliant, well read, well-spoken, and understands the world in an appropriately radical and critical light. Sometimes I'm still amazed that she wants to be my friend.

All my Baltimore friends really, just such high quality people. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am the luckiest person I know.

I have so many incredible people and so much love in my life. I've been truly overwhelmed with the well wishes and with the efforts my friends have made to see me and say their goodbyes. The  interactions have all been sad, but nourishing in their own ways.. And probably more than anything, they've helped me be a little braver and a little stronger each time.

It's absolutely crazy how fast time is running out. I've had February planned for months in advance and when milestones actually hit, I'm always shocked. How can that be? How do I only have 2 weekends left? How has my weekend with Molly already come and gone? How can I possibly leave the country in less than 2 weeks?!

Today will likely be my last day at work. I need the rest of my time for last minute details and goodbyes. I also feel like I need to spend all my remaining time learning more about Malawi, surrounding countries, and getting a handle on Chichewa before I go.

Writing all my anxieties down and talking to loved ones has helped significantly. I'm still a pretty solid 7 on the an anxious scale, but I'm feeling better and finally allowing myself joy, excitement, and the ability to actually be present with loved ones. I'd regret it later if all my time left was spent being an anxious little hermit watching House of Cards and worrying about the near future.

This always blows my mind..

Both in audacity and the clear  misrepresentation of our world.. And also "Wow. Holy moley, that's big."

Anxious Departure

I just spent the weekend with my older sister in Pittsburgh. It was incredibly fun, definitely some great bonding time--I'd venture as far as saying epic, even. Few things make me happier than spending time with Molly and being back in a city that I love.

I love her and Chris so, so very deeply and truly appreciate their presence in my life.

However, I've spent the last few days choking back some suffocating anxiety. The whole time I was having fun, I felt guilty about not spending my precious little time left in preparation for Malawi.

Even thinking of it now, my chest feels tight, my body feels weighed down by a great pressure, and time speeds up. My heart races in turn. I feel sort of irresponsible and unprepared but mostly just an unnamed fear, underneath it all. The unknown..

If I hadn't been at Molly's, if I'd been at home working on things instead, I'd have felt the same way. I will never feel/be prepared enough. Emotionally, knowledge-wise, professionally, spiritually, and especially in preparation of material goods, I can do a lot, but it never feels like enough.

I can manipulate my anxiety into motivation, and I can lessen it when I am focused and intentional, but it will always be a large part of my life. My identity and lens through which I understand the world exist in large part because of my anxious and sometimes nervous little psyche. None of this necessarily bothers me. It often helps me to be a more thoughtful, critical, and in a lot of ways, a better person; but, in times like these I'm having a hard time reigning in my fears, doubts, and don't feel like I can be an emotional rock for others.

I'm having a hard time dealing with the emotional side of leaving my life behind. I know this is a normal thing, but thinking about saying my goodbyes to my family hurts.

I'm thankful my other goodbyes have been spread out, but my time is coming to a close and there are many other loves who want and need that moment. I told most people when I got my acceptance that there would come a time for teary goodbyes, but that now was a time for celebration. Have we reached the hard part so soon?

Just because I've made this choice doesn't mean this will be any easier for me. I'm terrified that I won't find my way and won't find my place in community. It's hard to accept life and loved ones going on as normal without me, and it's scary knowing that at first I'll feel alone, isolated, and need to keep any self-doubt in check in order to survive.

I'm nervous about all of it and want to know everything before I step onto a plane at JFK, but I have to do something that is incredibly hard instead and blindly trust.

I've never had an experience so fully rooted in "leap of faith" "blind trust" thriving off of second hand knowledge, before as I've had with the Peace Corps. It has been the ultimate practice in patience and trust. The whole pre-process has been a year and a half with little to no information up until now. It's been an artful beginning to managing my anxiety and my need to plan and figure things out over the next 27 months.

Life unexpected.

5ish months ago my boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up. It's been a hard road from head over heels in love to feeling okay about our separation. But, I slowly got there. It was easier when I remembered how miserable of a person I'd become and how disappointed I was in myself for becoming so unrecognizable. When I actually took responsibility for my faults and for playing such a large role in creating the toxicity that became our relationship, I started to realize a lot of things about me that need a healthy dose of self-love, self-examination, and ultimately CHANGE.

I'm leaving for Malawi in about 3 weeks and all of my life and attention has focused around this new life adventure and spending time with loved ones.. Giving me the opportunity to say my goodbyes to everything. People I love, bad habits, outdated mind frames, certain cities (Baltimore/ Pittsburgh,) food, abundance, movies, games.. Everything that I'll be separated from for at least 2 years. It's been a beautiful time, and I've never been more appreciative of a transition than I am now.

I recently heard from the ex-boyfriend for the first time since the break up, mentioning the possibility of coming to visit. Initially, I was mostly confused, but as the conversation developed that confusion grew into more confusion and finally a great big case of "the feels." And here I thought I'd repressed them oh, so well.

After expressing my concerns about him coming, the conversation took a turn to limbo, where it currently resides. Now I feel like I'm waiting to see whether or not he chooses me. (Which of course, is completely over simplifying the situation.) This whole thing is so, so complicated. It would involve some major motivation and a plane to make happen.. and then if it did, what?

Frankly, it seems lose-lose. He decides not to come, not to see me.. And I feel rejected and strangely offended. Why even bring this up in the first place? I'm left considering lots of things and feeling lots of things--all which could have and would have been avoided otherwise. Or he decides to come, THEN WHAT? Do we talk about our feelings / shit that went down and try to make amends? Pretend we're friends? Kiss and makeup?

I'm so, so mad because I recognize this emotional spiral, the desire to be valued and chosen despite the circumstance and of course, the waiting.. when I already know the outcome. It reminds me of the lower points in our relationship and more than that, it reminds me of my myriad of issues and how far I still have to come. Why can't this just not affect me? It's not even a thing, nothing has even really happened. Why do I give things such power over me?

First of all, what do I even want?
Secondly, why am I concerned about being wanted/ valued when I'm unsure of where I stand?
Third, why do l let this take up so much of my consciousness and have such a power over my thoughts?

I want to be so much stronger. I want a fortified heart. But ultimately, I want to be better to myself and separate my understanding of my own value from male attention.

Of course it's more than that. I loved this man fiercely and I want him in my life still and want him to want me in his life, but I'm so fuzzy on all the details.

Oh. Happy Valentine's day.

That Ripple Effect

The topic of the last few weeks is HEARTBREAK. Its been invading friends and family from all fronts, and no matter how fortified their hearts, this little bastard has a way of surprising you like no other.

The big one.

My little sister lost her best friend and the love of her life about 2 weeks ago. Being present and witnessing the entirety of this experience made me feel as though I haven't truly loved anyone or anything so deeply. It was an amazing unselfish and requited love that I wouldn't have had the capacity to have understood before. Watching my little sister struggle to make decisions, let go of her loved one, be compassionate and selfless, yet express the depth of her love and emotion, as well as her pain and sadness--it entirely changed my understanding of love. It made me realize so many things about how I want to love and be loved by others. Watching her say her goodbyes and coping with the finality of the situation changed my life. My heart was broken in this moment as was everyone else's and it hasn't stopped breaking. Despite the pain, sadness, and loss it was one of the most beautiful moments in time I've ever known. Whenever I think of love, I come back to this as an understanding of what it was really meant to be. Its hard to put into words. We will always care for and miss our fallen friend, and I will always be grateful for what she gave to my little sister and in turn, to the rest of us.

It makes me hyper aware of how risky it is to let yourself love--with love and loss being so tightly bound.

Sometimes I let myself feel my friend's and family's heart break. Really feel it. Crawling into their depths of despair and sadness and just sitting with them while they're consumed by these intense feelings. Its probably not my healthiest habit--empathy to the extreme. Sometimes I hate the people that my loved ones can't bring themselves to hate..sometimes I'll forgive for them. Sometimes the feelings or experiences are so big that one person can't feel it all, deal with it, or carry it alone. Sometimes we help share each other's loads.

So many friends are struggling with something that is breaking their heart right now. I guess I'm struggling with breaking my own heart too.

I've made a choice that I know is going to break it over and over again.

The first time I realized that this was for real, was about something completely silly--Ru Paul's Drag Race. I am going to miss it. Well, obviously I'm going to miss everything in pop-culture for the next two years. But this is special, something that I shared with my best friend..something that I have amazing and silly memories from. This was my first jolt back to reality.

I am leaving, for real leaving. This was my choice and I'm doing it to myself. No complaining.

The real first heartbreak came when I said goodbye to my best friend. Towards the end of her visit I realized that this would be last time I'd see her for years. I can't express in words how deeply I love her or what she means to me, I can only say that it felt like the loss of a limb. (I'd only ever felt that before when my boyfriend of 4 years and I ended our relationship.) I may have cried the rest of the night as she drove home. Next came my goodbyes with Trish. Same story, tears, broken heart...
I can't even imagine what it will be like saying goodbye to my family.

I can't imagine what it will be like seeing a world where HIV and AIDS runs rampant and death is a constant.
I can't imagine dealing with the conflicting identity of being an American.
I can't imagine how selfish and gluttonous I'll feel surrounded by those who have so little (material possessions) in comparison.
I can't imagine finding friends, camaraderie, and love in a world so different than my own.
I can't imagine coming to terms with my life and opportunities versus those in the Global South.
I can't imagine being so far away from family and friends.
I can't imagine the loneliness and isolation.

I can't imagine how many times my heart will break and how many times it will be built up again.

Sometimes I can't believe I'm willing letting myself knowingly break my own heart time and time again. But then, I want to love people the same way my little sister showed me. I want to embrace the heartbreak, and see it as something beautiful.