One Week..

Today is the third consecutive morning I've woken up early with a nervous, sick stomach and the inability to fall back asleep even though I'm EXHAUSTED. I guess my body is already preparing for jet lag and how Malawian cuisine will potentially treat my insides. (And/ or its a case of the pre-Malawi jitters.)

I have so much to do over this final week! It's great in a lot of ways. The experience I've been dreaming of for a year and a half is only a week away. I've finally shaken a bit of my overly nervous, paralyzed by fear phase and am moving into the Oh my god. It's really happening!!! phase. I apologize to everyone who I've poured my anxieties onto recently. But man did I need to process all that. I have some really wonderful friends who have helped me think and talk through everything related to leaving my life in the states behind and starting an entirely new life in Malawi, and I'm feeling good.

This process has definitely been the long goodbye.. And I'm not done yet. 4 more to go, not counting all my Skype dates.  Its wonderful and incredible that so many people want to spend time with me, say goodbye, and are so excited for me. Truly, I'm so, so grateful for their presence in my life. I will never be able to repay the kindnesses and love showered on me by those who I care about most.

So many people are curious about my motivation to be a part of the Peace Corps. Here's a really brief run down:

1. I want to live in a society so fundamentally different from America. A place not driven by consumerism, capitalism, and essentially run on the exploitation and marginalization of others.

2. Though critical of international development, I need to see what it looks like from the other side. I want to know how we are affecting other countries both negatively and positively, what the foreign hand truly looks like when you live in its shadow everyday, how the global south feels about foreign interference, and if international development can even be done in a way that is sustainable and ethical.

3. I feel like its a small piece of atonement for living a life that is quintessentially American and therefore thrives off exploitation and over-consumption. In a lot of ways, I think this will help me realize the importance of living well and help me change my habit of operating in ignorance, sometimes realized, sometimes not.

4. I want to learn. I have so, so much to learn about the world and about what it means to be a human. I think this experience will teach me volumes.

5. I want to challenge myself. I am someone who is really interested in living out my values in large and small every day actions. Outside of my LVC communities which really challenged me to live out my values and to be a a better person, I see myself slipping back to the dark side. I can't live as someone I'm not proud of. I have to be intentional, I have to consider the ethical repercussions of my choices, and I have to act in ways that honor and care for my global family. I think this experience will remind me of who I want to be, how I want to live, and why these things are so important to me. 

6. I want to be a global citizen. I want to create relationships and build understanding with people whose entire lives differ vastly from mine. I want to see the full picture and understand the world in a different light.

7. I want my life and time on Earth to mean something. I know this experience will mean so much to me, but I'm hoping it touches others too--anyone who I am fortunate enough to build relationships with.

8. I want to serve others. Service to others has always been a big part of my understanding of spirituality and my practice of spirituality--while I don't know if my Peace Corps position or my time in Malawi will accomplish much concretely, but I think I'll come across little and sometimes seemingly insignificant ways to serve others. I'll find ways to serve my fellow man.

9. Community is one of the most important things in my life and the opportunity to integrate into a new society and live communally is beyond enticing.

10. I want to fully realize and understand the living conditions/ living experience for those in the global south. I'm not going to get that from some trip or vacation; instead, I need to walk with and live in solidarity with these folks. 

11. In my life, I want to be part of revolutions and real, positive change. I think this experience could be a catalyst for creating change later in life.

12. I give a damn and maybe I can help a little. Whatever that looks like.

13. I want to travel and see the world.

The list goes on and on and on.. and the list of fears and worries I have about the experience goes on as well. The point is, that this is something that I want to do and that I have to do. I might be the least knowledgeable and experienced person undertaking this endeavor, but I believe in myself.