5ish months ago my boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up. It's been a hard road from head over heels in love to feeling okay about our separation. But, I slowly got there. It was easier when I remembered how miserable of a person I'd become and how disappointed I was in myself for becoming so unrecognizable. When I actually took responsibility for my faults and for playing such a large role in creating the toxicity that became our relationship, I started to realize a lot of things about me that need a healthy dose of self-love, self-examination, and ultimately CHANGE.
I'm leaving for Malawi in about 3 weeks and all of my life and attention has focused around this new life adventure and spending time with loved ones.. Giving me the opportunity to say my goodbyes to everything. People I love, bad habits, outdated mind frames, certain cities (Baltimore/ Pittsburgh,) food, abundance, movies, games.. Everything that I'll be separated from for at least 2 years. It's been a beautiful time, and I've never been more appreciative of a transition than I am now.
I recently heard from the ex-boyfriend for the first time since the break up, mentioning the possibility of coming to visit. Initially, I was mostly confused, but as the conversation developed that confusion grew into more confusion and finally a great big case of "the feels." And here I thought I'd repressed them oh, so well.
After expressing my concerns about him coming, the conversation took a turn to limbo, where it currently resides. Now I feel like I'm waiting to see whether or not he chooses me. (Which of course, is completely over simplifying the situation.) This whole thing is so, so complicated. It would involve some major motivation and a plane to make happen.. and then if it did, what?
Frankly, it seems lose-lose. He decides not to come, not to see me.. And I feel rejected and strangely offended. Why even bring this up in the first place? I'm left considering lots of things and feeling lots of things--all which could have and would have been avoided otherwise. Or he decides to come, THEN WHAT? Do we talk about our feelings / shit that went down and try to make amends? Pretend we're friends? Kiss and makeup?
I'm so, so mad because I recognize this emotional spiral, the desire to be valued and chosen despite the circumstance and of course, the waiting.. when I already know the outcome. It reminds me of the lower points in our relationship and more than that, it reminds me of my myriad of issues and how far I still have to come. Why can't this just not affect me? It's not even a thing, nothing has even really happened. Why do I give things such power over me?
First of all, what do I even want?
Secondly, why am I concerned about being wanted/ valued when I'm unsure of where I stand?
Third, why do l let this take up so much of my consciousness and have such a power over my thoughts?
I want to be so much stronger. I want a fortified heart. But ultimately, I want to be better to myself and separate my understanding of my own value from male attention.
Of course it's more than that. I loved this man fiercely and I want him in my life still and want him to want me in his life, but I'm so fuzzy on all the details.
Oh. Happy Valentine's day.
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