2013 a year in review

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-11852/25-questions-to-ask-yourself-before-the-end-of-the-year.html

(For some reason my hyperlinks seem not to be working on Blogger.. This is a problem I'll have to eventually go back and try to fix.)

Anyway, this.

I'm hoping to answer these questions only about a month late and reflect on my life in 2013.

25 Questions to Ask Yourself Before the End of 2013

1. What am I most proud of this year?

Moving to Atlanta to both be closer to someone who I loved very much and work in an awesome  organization were incredibly exciting prospects to me, but extremely hard in reality.

I struggled being away from the community and support net I spent all of last year building. It was painful to be so far away from all of my family and friends. A sense of community didn't come easily in my new intentional community in the Hosea house--we didn't click and often had tension. The city was hard and expensive to navigate. My house was broken into twice. I felt unsafe. My boyfriend really hated that I was having a hard time making Atlanta home and resented my attitude about life in the south. Especially because he loved the city so much.

I felt very alone and spent a few months feeling very depressed. (Go home after work and go straight to bed until work the next morning kind of depressed.) It was hard to talk to my friends from home. I didn't want to keep going on about being sad, and I didn't want them to think of me as a failure.

Anyway, it was hard for a long time but I got out of my slump and decided it wasn't worth being sad and not experiencing life. I decided to embrace Atlanta and my life there for what it was, instead of what I wanted it to be. I decided to forgive myself for maybe making the wrong choice and moving to Atl (though now I know it was the right choice, just a hard one.) I embraced the people in my life and made some incredible relationships with some people who I deeply love. I made myself slowly fall in love with the city. I built an amazing community at work.

I'm most proud of myself for finding the ability to be strong in a time when I was at my weakest (or most pathetic.) I feel like getting through that will help me get through my time in Peace Corps, especially when I'm feeling lonely and like I've made the wrong choice.

2. How can I become a better _____________?

Human being. God. There are so many ways. I want to be a better support to my mom. I want to better live out my values. I want to go back to an intentional lifestyle. I want to read more books. I want to actively make change and be an activist. I want to better support local businesses and community. I want to eat ethically. I want to be more physically active (damn cold weather). I want to have a job that enables me to financially support myself and help others. I want to get a drivers license. I want to show others how much I love them.

3. Where am I feeling stuck?

I'm not living the life I want to be living. I'm living at home with my mom, without a real job, car, etc. waiting for Peace Corps. I'm not living out my values. All of this feels pretty bad when I left myself dwell on it. I'm relying on other people kindnesses without being able to reciprocate.

4. Where do I need to allow myself grace?

I need to be okay with my time of transition.

5. Am I passionate about my career?

Hahaha. No. I've recently come to some cynical realizations about the nonprofit world, had been working as a volunteer, and am now working for my dad until I leave for Malawi. But I've tried to make strategic moves for my future career with my time and positions in LVC, we'll see if they play out in the future.

6. What lessons have I learned?

Love really isn't enough.
I am strong and capable.
I have incredible people in my life who love and support me.
It's better to go for what you want than settle.
If you reaaally work for something, there's a good chance you'll get it.
People come into your life for a reason.
Family is the most important thing.
Though I'm incredibly anxious, I am also brave.
It's not an easy or quick process to get a job you want and love.

7. What did my finances look like?

Maybe one day when I have a real job I can talk about what finances look like.

8. How did I spend my free time?

Reading, learning, exploring, with people I love. Watching TV. Trying to be a better human being..

9. How well did I take care of my body, mind, and soul?

Loaded question. Walking to and from work everyday in Atlanta took care of my body and soul quite well. Exploring and finding new things in the city did the same. Lately, I haven't done that as well. I was running and biking before it became monstrously cold outside. Id really like to be more active again.

My mind and soul spent a long time lamenting a failing and finally failed relationship and this took a really big toll on me. But it opened the door for seeing how loved and supported I was with my friends and family, which in turn was really nourishing.

I've been reading and challenging myself on lots of issues and ideas that I care about.. and I've also had lots of good conversations with people I care about.

Basically it's been a mixed bag.

10. How have I been open-minded?

Haha. Never at first do I want to give up things that I care about or truly believe in, so I'll fight back hard. But, when there are nuggets of truth and good realizations in an argument, I'll come around.

11. When did I feel most creatively inspired?

Working with Georgia Equality and seeing the community come together and work to create change.

12. What projects have I completed?

I don't know that this really applies.

13. How have I procrastinated?

All day every day.

Peace Corps stuff.
Getting life stuff together.

14. In what ways can I re-structure my time?

Less time online reading, more time actively involved with the world.

15. How have I allowed fear of failure hold me back?

I am an overly anxious person and I fight this all the time. This year I've dealt with:

Fearing a lack of acceptance for Peace Corps
Fearing moving to Atlanta was the wrong choice
Not getting a "real" job
Living at home
Ending a 3 year relationship
Getting into Peace Corps

All of these fears and failures have taken their toll on me, but realizing that I'm strong and can take any of these challenges was hella empowering and always got me through.

16. Where has self-doubt taken over?

My break up. Dating post breakup.  Thinking about sex and intimacy post break up. Not getting a real job. Driving. Thinking of how I'll hack it in the Peace Corps. Getting my shit together for Peace Corps. Comparing myself to other future volunteers.

17. When have I felt the most alive?

Back in Baltimore with the loves of my life.

18. How have I taught others to respect me?

Talking about things that I care about, that are disappointing, that I don't appreciate, that I believe in and value, sharing dreams, and being honest with my feelings and admit where I'm at.

By not settling, by not tolerating  disrespect.

19. How can I improve my relationships?

Most are really, reallyyy solid, but I guess communicating with those with whom it's been awhile!

Also it's really important to let people know I love them and give them quality time.

20. Have I been unfair to anyone?

Yes. It's shameful and I constantly try and make amends.

21. Who do I need to forgive?

I've already done this, but Antoine. Tom, again. Tomas. All for my own benefit, as I'm sure they're all fine and sleeping well at night.

22. Where is it time to let go?

#21.
#16.

23. What old habits would I like to release?

Extra sleep. Bad food. Obsessing. Impatience. Getting overly frustrated.

24. What new habits would I like to cultivate?

Getting back to living intentionally and well.
More regular communication with people I love.
Meditation
Living in the moment
Mindful interactions with others
Patience
Rejoining society

25. How can I be kind to myself?

Stop undermining my own success.
Stop comparing my life and life choices to my peers.
Stop worrying so much.
Believe in myself and my capability more.
Stop letting fear paralyze me.
Forgive myself in times of weakness and stupidity.
Love and know myself more.