All you need is love

While I tend to find skits at trainings and orientations worthless and essentially, the worst, our last Peace Corps training forced us to group up and perform strategies for resiliency. Most were pretty spot on with our experiences--but the one I was part of resonated a little deeper with something that we all have struggled with from time to time. It reflected the way we interact with Malawians--approaching situations out of a place of stress, frustration, assumption, and negative experience, rather than with thoughtfulness, intentionality, and loving kindness.

I've realized something recently. My whole service is defined by love, and I've received it in abundance. Sometimes overwhelmingly, in ways that make me feel shame and guilt as if I'm inadequately built for reciprocation. But more that anything, I'm reminded that far too often, I respond in difficult situations with frustration, anger, or impatience. I'm not who or where I want to be in those moments and I think it's because I tend to forget to look at a person in his entirety. Instead, I focus on the situation, make myself a victim, and prepare to fire back in a sassy manner which makes myself feel slightly vindicated, and leaves the other person feeling slightly stupid. (I imagine.) All I'm doing here is perpetuating harm.

Its wrong, it's harmful. It's when we lose sight of each other's humanity that problems arise--it's when I start to think of Malawians as one dimensional, incapable or when Malawians see me as a walking ATM or an object that we all play a role in that harm. Yes, a big part of my role as a Peace Corps volunteer is to be a catalyst for change-to empower people to break down their own barriers to achievement. But one of our other main goals is to create cross cultural understanding, relationships, and spread a bit of that infinite love. 

This is why I don't shy away from those difficult conversations, why I don't hide my taboos, and especially why I don't lie about my marital status, my religious and spiritual beliefs, and why I will talk about the negative and positive aspects of America, and my culture. Yes, it's so much easier to lie here, to cop out, and have tame waters for smooth sailing.. But then, what's the point? If I'm here pretending to be another version of myself I'm living an inauthentic life and I'm giving false ideas to those in my community. Honestly, I feel like that's perpetuating the same amount of harm.

Instead, I am just trying. Trying to respond well and trying to remember that the iwes I'm frustrated with aren't bad--they're craving love and attention. I'm certain many of the kids in my village have never before been hugged or encouraged. These kids have become a huge part of my service and have redefined the way I interact with the world, let alone my community. I'm trying to not feel a flash of anger when yelled at in every trading center and asked for sex, for money, to give literal clothes and possessions from my back, etc. Instead, to remember that what people here know about me and my life is all assumption based on movies and media. And that facilitating the learning process is my responsibility--otherwise I'll be burned by my own anger, while nothing changes. I'm trying to remember the incredible amounts of love and kindness I receive from everyone I encounter. How they've helped me make Malawi my home, welcomed me, fed me, taught me, housed me, befriended me, and tried to understand me. I've never known such a deep, unselfish, kind of love as I've been given in Malawi.

Ultimately, like everything in Malawi, it come down to choice. Choosing how to react and respond, choosing to have a positive attitude, choosing to spread love--even when it's the furthest thing from what I'm experiencing internally. And so, imma keep trying.